Don't underestimate the impact of saying nothing at all when it comes to piquing a guy's interest. Here are five guidelines to keep in mind.
Bravo TV's Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger once told me that when it comes to meeting men, we want to get them to come talk to us without having to speak. "He who speaks first is male," warned Patti, "so you want to be feminine energy."
Whether you're aiming to give off feminine energy only, or you're shy, or you're in a really loud club, or you're just plain in a foreign country where few people speak your language (like me on a recent visit to Brazil), it's good to know how to get a guy to come to you without saying a word.
1. Play the damsel in distress
On my flight to South Africa, I sat in the back and been surrounded by a lot of rowdy guys speaking Portuguese, so I just largely kept to myself. But when I reached for my bag in the overhead compartment after we landed, a few of the guys helped me get it down. And then I attempted to stuff my jacket into the bag and zip it up, and I tried about fifty times. The guy next to me reached over, shoved my jacket in with great force, and zipped it easily. I thanked him with a nod. Sometimes you don't have to do anything flirtatious to get attention; just struggle—visually! Then, you could thank the cutest guy and ask him where he's going … then maybe share a taxi, get a drink, etc.
2. Smile
Only a few signs are universal: it's hot (fan the hand), smile, I'm choking. Men just need a little encouragement. If you can make eye contact, smile at them. If they're available and interested, they'll come over. I remember just smiling at a guy in a bar once; it was like he'd been waiting for a green light because he came over immediately and we ended up dating for three months.
3. Use your eyebrows
People in general aren't that expressive. They look like Mona Lisa when they try to smile. Look in a mirror and smile. Then smile and lift your eyebrows. It brightens your face. You might feel cheesy, but I swear guys really respond to expressive women. Also, in theater, I learned that the one thing people can see from far away is your eyebrows. So lift 'em up! Even in a dim bar.
4. Try winking
Winks get a bad rap for being cheesy; that's why they're so underused. A wink really catches a person off-guard, which makes it super effective. I swear, you wink at someone and that person cannot believe you winked. Down in Rio, my friend Melissa got a wink from the cabana boy after he'd been mute all week. She was absolutely delighted. Then there's always the Slow Wink, a move I patented, which involves a shoulder roll and a toss of the head. It's embarrassing but it does the job.
5. Know when to give up
If you make eye contact with a cute guy and you appear to be open, friendly, and inviting, and he still doesn't come over, you probably don't want to waste your time going after him. He knows something you don't — like, that he's not interested … or he's married. Of course there aren't plenty of exceptions, but I like the men who are hunters. That's just me.
Sunday, 30 May 2010
Four Reasons Why Men Love Younger Women
Though Glamour's dating blogger Ryan Dodge is a fan of older women, he concedes that many men are equally enthusiastic about younger ladies…sometimes much younger! Here, four reasons why some men pursue younger women.
Happy June! More importantly, happy Ryan's-Dating-Sabbatical-Is-Over! I don't have any dates lined up yet, but that's OK because one of my romantic resolutions is to go with the flow. The only real prospect on my horizon is an attractive young lady who messaged me on Nerve a few days ago. I would probably reply if it weren't for one crucial detail:
She's 21. To put that in perspective, when I was a senior in high school she was a sixth grader (which is the official yard stick for measuring age differences in the dating world). To be honest, I don't think I could get over such a significant age gap, which definitely puts me in the male minority. I know tons of guys who only have eyes for significantly younger women. What is it they like so much about younger women? Here are a few ideas:
1. Bridging the Maturity Gap. I don't feel like I'm betraying my gender by conceding that women — in general — mature faster than men. For guys my age who aren't looking for a serious relationship, there's an obvious appeal to foregoing their marriage-minded female peers and hooking up with a younger woman who's still sowing her wild oats.
2. Who's Your Daddy? We can argue for days about whether society or biology is to blame, but the fact is that most men take great satisfaction in playing the role of breadwinner and protector. Younger women are more likely to give us the benefit of the doubt and interpret our ramblings as hard-earned wisdom.
3. Ego Trippin'. I haven't yet reached the point where my body starts breaking down (although my hangovers are way worse recently), but when that day arrives I'm sure nothing would make me feel better than the attention of an attractive young lady who prefers me to her more virile male peers.
4. Men Are Pigs. You already know I find older women extremely attractive, and I'm certainly not the only one. But it's simply a fact of nature that there are certain physical, um, perks to dating younger women.
Never fear, what's good for the goose is good for the gander — check out these celebrity women who date younger men. And here's a handy trick for figuring out if a guy is too old for you.
Happy June! More importantly, happy Ryan's-Dating-Sabbatical-Is-Over! I don't have any dates lined up yet, but that's OK because one of my romantic resolutions is to go with the flow. The only real prospect on my horizon is an attractive young lady who messaged me on Nerve a few days ago. I would probably reply if it weren't for one crucial detail:
She's 21. To put that in perspective, when I was a senior in high school she was a sixth grader (which is the official yard stick for measuring age differences in the dating world). To be honest, I don't think I could get over such a significant age gap, which definitely puts me in the male minority. I know tons of guys who only have eyes for significantly younger women. What is it they like so much about younger women? Here are a few ideas:
1. Bridging the Maturity Gap. I don't feel like I'm betraying my gender by conceding that women — in general — mature faster than men. For guys my age who aren't looking for a serious relationship, there's an obvious appeal to foregoing their marriage-minded female peers and hooking up with a younger woman who's still sowing her wild oats.
2. Who's Your Daddy? We can argue for days about whether society or biology is to blame, but the fact is that most men take great satisfaction in playing the role of breadwinner and protector. Younger women are more likely to give us the benefit of the doubt and interpret our ramblings as hard-earned wisdom.
3. Ego Trippin'. I haven't yet reached the point where my body starts breaking down (although my hangovers are way worse recently), but when that day arrives I'm sure nothing would make me feel better than the attention of an attractive young lady who prefers me to her more virile male peers.
4. Men Are Pigs. You already know I find older women extremely attractive, and I'm certainly not the only one. But it's simply a fact of nature that there are certain physical, um, perks to dating younger women.
Never fear, what's good for the goose is good for the gander — check out these celebrity women who date younger men. And here's a handy trick for figuring out if a guy is too old for you.
12 Things Men Really Find Romantic
It may not be immediately obvious, but yes, ladies, men do like a little romance in their lives … you just may have to help them out with it a little bit. Here, 12 ways to do just that …
Men aren't supposed to like romance, right? Well, that's the theory, anyway. In practice, men may not always like to call it romance (and hence identify ourselves as sissies), but we feel the same yearning to connect that you do, to give and receive physical expressions of love and to continue the rituals of courtship long after our commitment's been cemented. In short, we want to romance you ... and we secretly want you to romance us.
But as you're probably well aware, it's within the finer points of love that gender differences rear their ugly heads. "When men are asked to define romance, they typically use these words: mystery, intrigue, sensuality, lingerie, passion and neverending sex," says Doug Fields, author of Creative Romance. A half dozen words — "I'm looking forward to making love" — will get his heart racing. The flowery stuff, the roses and candlelight, just isn't a guy thing. So skip the sweet little trappings and go for what's guaranteed to work.
1. Dress Up for Him
A long, long time ago, your husband bought you some lingerie. Remember? You wore it once or twice, then stuffed it deep in the back of a drawer. Well, the time has come to dig it out. "Consider dressing for his tastes and not just yours once in a while," says Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., author of Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. "Take him shopping and have him choose outfits he would like to see you in or some lingerie he finds sexy."
If the idea of donning a Victoria's Secret number for your husband seems somehow tawdry, don't sweat it: Remember, you're doing this for him, not for you. And, as psychologist Ronald Goldstein, Ph.D., a marriage counselor in Newtown, Pennsylvania, explains: "Women should keep in mind that men are visually oriented." Trust me, men find it very romantic when you step wholeheartedly into our debauched little fantasy worlds. If we're hard-wired to be turned on by visual cues, why not indulge us — and use it to your advantage?
2. Touch Him All Over, All the Time
I'm not talking about sex, and I'm not talking about massage — just plain old run-of-the-mill touching. Whether you're playing footsie under the table or placing a hand on our shoulders while scooting behind our chairs, men find the touch of the woman they love unbelievably reassuring. In our treasured nonverbal language, it translates as: "I accept you ... I love you ... We're a team."
Again, this doesn't have to lead to anything but if it does, so much the better. "Learn to love and appreciate all of your man's body," says De Angelis. "This will give you time to become more aroused and make him feel like you love every part of him." In other words, let your fingers do the talking.
3. Give Him a Night Out with the Boys — No Strings Attached
It may seem odd to you that a romantic gesture might not involve you at all. But dogs run with dogs, wolves run with wolves, and every so often, guys just have to break away and run with the guys (drooling and howling optional). All the married men I know miss those carefree nights out with the guys — a fact many of the married women I know find unnecessarily threatening. When I look back on my single days, it's the male companionship I miss, not the cornucopia of gorgeous single gals (okay, okay — the handful of pretty good-looking single gals). Honestly.
Now, maybe you have no problem with our stepping out occasionally for some beers with the pals. But — and this is the hard part — how can we possibly ask? At some earlier point in our relationship, remember, you accused us of choosing our friends over you, and now we're gun-shy about confessing a need to shoot pool with Bill or see a ball game with Fred.
Make it easy for us, just once in awhile, and we'll love you for it. Suggest we call up Fred for the ball game next Saturday and watch our eyes light up. As an over-the-top bonus, tell us we don't have to call at midnight to check in. It demonstrates trust, and it shows you're truly trying to make your husband happy, not just making an empty romantic gesture. Your gift won't be soon forgotten. After all, when your wife demonstrates new-girlfriend coolness, what could be more romantic than that?
4. Show Up at His Office
I don't mean that literally — showing up unannounced just as he's getting his head together for the Big Meeting can be catastrophically disruptive. I mean it figuratively: Make your presence known throughout the day. I know, when we were just dating we tried to discourage you from calling us at work. Many single guys consider work a safe haven from the minefield of dating and don't want that sacred space violated. In marriage, though, it's different: News from the home front serves as a nice reminder of what you're working for.
"I think a man likes to hear that his wife loves him and misses him," says Goldstein. "Corny as it sounds, if the woman puts a note in his briefcase or calls him up at work just to say how much she's looking forward to making love that night, it can really make a guy's day." Be creative: Send him a suggestive email from your office, leave a sexy message on his voice mail or tuck a holiday picture of you in a thong bikini into his shirt pocket. They'll all send the desired message: "Think about me ... I'm thinking about you."
5. Tell Him What a Big, Strong Guy He Is
We men are famously incompetent at expressing ourselves verbally ... but that doesn't mean we don't appreciate hearing a little praise now and then. In particular, we draw a lot of our identity from our maleness. Nurturing our big-ape fantasies — me Tarzan, you Jane — lets us know you value us as males, which is somehow important to the continued production of testosterone. So tell your husband he makes you feel safe, thank him for working so hard (even if you're working just as hard), tell him you pity friends who don't have husbands like him.
A quick insight into men: We all want to be heroes. Remembering to compliment your spouse on being a great husband and father isn't always easy in the middle of a busy day, but it's a quick shortcut to making him feel wanted, needed and loved, which is of course the ultimate point of any romantic gesture. And this positive reinforcement of your husband's good behavior will yield big dividends later, as he subconsciously tries to live up to your glowing appraisal.
Here's another secret: A solid pampering after a rough day at work is tough to beat in the area of tenderness. Yes, your days are nuts, too, but the key to romantic gestures is to put the other person's needs 100 percent before your own. So if you know his day has been hell, why not give your husband a massage, set up a hot bath, a cold beer and that novel he's been trying to read? What makes such royal treatment so romantic to a man is the way it reassures him you appreciate his hard work, and that you're proud of him. Married men often feel guilty about the energy they devote to work. The post-hell-day back rub reassures us that everything's okay.
6. Engineer a Break-the-Routine Date
Your weekly "date night" doesn't count. I'm talking about whisking him off for a weekend getaway or getting a babysitter and surprising him after work with movie tickets. To make sure the evening works, try to determine what your relationship needs at the moment. Are you both overworked and feeling disconnected? Try a relaxing night at a local hotel. Getting bored with the daily grind? Take off for an exciting weekend someplace exotic but affordable. Once you determine the proper mood, make all the plans and pull the surprise.
Since one key detail is to make sure your husband doesn't make alternate plans, first lower his expectations by making a dreary-sounding appointment (your parents are in town?) he won't dare to miss. He's mentally prepared for a dull, dutiful evening then you spring your romantic surprise. He'll be so relieved he can't help but have a good time.
Besides being great fun, this type of creative spontaneity is romantic because we find it disarmingly sweet when you go to a lot of trouble for us. My wife has surprised me a few times on my birthday with a big party to which she's invited all my friends, and it never fails to make me feel like a king.
7. Make Sex with Him an Event
I remember taking a shower one evening after coming home exhausted and emerging from the bathroom to find that my wife had made a bed on the living room floor out of couch cushions, pillows and blankets. It gave the least sexy room in the house a very exciting, exotic feel — part hotel room, part pillow fort. I won't share the details of what happened next.
When married men say they miss the kind of sex they had in their single days — and we do say it to one another, even if we don't dare say it to you — that is what we're talking about. While single sex was full of wild abandon and the unknown, married sex gradually becomes more about comfort than passion, and once you know all of each other's secrets, ruts become unavoidable unless you make a particular, focused effort to keep out of them. The upshot: Break the routine. If you're in the habit of making love with the lights out, try keeping them on or illuminating the room with candles. Rent a blue movie or get some massage oil and surprise him on the couch. "Have a conversation with your husband and try to get at what some of his sexual fantasies are," suggests Goldstein. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable, or it'll backfire horribly. But making sex a celebratory event will show him in no uncertain terms that you think he's special.
8. Score Him a Pair of Tickets to the Big Game
Which would you rather receive from your husband: a weekend at a spa or a new set of cookware? The spa is by far the more romantic gift, if only because he doesn't stand to gain anything from it. Gifts that don't benefit the giver are somehow purer because they demonstrate you care only about making your spouse happy. So when you're thinking about gifts, try not to think about what you'd like to get him, but what he'd like to receive.
My wife and I have very different tastes in movies, and we used to make the mistake of always trying to rent movies we both wanted to see. Sounds logical, but all we ever rented were middle-of-the-road videos that didn't offend either of us. I never got to see the special-effects thrillers I really wanted, and she never got to see the teary romances she's interested in (for whatever bizarre reason). Now we alternate movie picks, allowing both of us to see the movies we really want to see, at only the small cost of sitting through each other's favorites.
What's my point? It can be exhausting trying to be clones of each other. One of men's fears going into marriage is that we'll be molded into Bland Married Guy. When you reward his individuality by paying attention to his quirky preferences, even when they clash with your own, you ease this fear and reassure him you're not trying to change him. Presto: instant intimacy.
9. Show Interest in His Outside Life
We live in a fast-paced world, and Lord knows it's easy enough to get wrapped up in our own routines. But finding ways to let a man know you care about all aspects of his life, not just the parts he shares with you, is a great way to show you love the whole man. Shoot him a few well-directed questions about work to help him unwind, surprise him with a book relating to a hobby, track down a Website that deals with some problem he's having — all are touching gestures I guarantee will be well-received.
"Once I spent two hours digging through scraps of paper trying to find a number I'd misplaced," recalls Jim, 31. "I was pissed and frustrated — I never can get organized. Two weeks later, my wife presented me with a new address book, into which she'd copied all the numbers from my pile of business cards and scrap papers. She completely blew me away."
Getting him out of a jam with family and friends — or simply having a little foresight in the area of personal relations — can have the same effect. "My kid sister was off in college and feeling lonely, and my wife, unbeknownst to me, started sending care packages to her," recalls Bobby, 33. "I only found out about it when Tracy called and started thanking me profusely, saying she couldn't believe how thoughtful 'we' were. I was really impressed; I'd never have thought of it myself, but it was exactly the right thing to do." Tread carefully, though: Somewhere there's a line between helping and meddling.
10. Tell Him a Secret
Men want to be soul mates, too. Telling him a secret — symbolically letting him deeper inside you — demonstrates total trust in him and faith in your relationship. Because you're making yourself vulnerable, it's an incredible bonding experience. What works just as well: Encourage him to tell you a secret or two. And don't laugh.
11. Slow Down Dinner
Sure, the idea that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is a cliché. But it reached such status for a reason: It works. (It worked so well with me that I married a professional cook.) And it's tough to miss the basic, underlying romantic symbolism of cooking for your man: You satisfy his hunger, his craving.
The modern version of cooking as romance, it seems to me, is to use an elaborate meal as a way to slow things down. Start with wine, end with coffee and divide even the most mundane meal courses — first the macaroni, then the cheese — thereby delaying your husband's gratification and whetting his appetite. Slowing down the meal not only makes the food taste better and gives you more time to talk, but it returns a sense of ceremony to the meal, turning it into a kind of date. Your husband can't help but sit, tuck in and take notice.
12. Do a Sexy Little Bump-and-Grind Striptease
Well, you can't blame a guy for asking.
Men aren't supposed to like romance, right? Well, that's the theory, anyway. In practice, men may not always like to call it romance (and hence identify ourselves as sissies), but we feel the same yearning to connect that you do, to give and receive physical expressions of love and to continue the rituals of courtship long after our commitment's been cemented. In short, we want to romance you ... and we secretly want you to romance us.
But as you're probably well aware, it's within the finer points of love that gender differences rear their ugly heads. "When men are asked to define romance, they typically use these words: mystery, intrigue, sensuality, lingerie, passion and neverending sex," says Doug Fields, author of Creative Romance. A half dozen words — "I'm looking forward to making love" — will get his heart racing. The flowery stuff, the roses and candlelight, just isn't a guy thing. So skip the sweet little trappings and go for what's guaranteed to work.
1. Dress Up for Him
A long, long time ago, your husband bought you some lingerie. Remember? You wore it once or twice, then stuffed it deep in the back of a drawer. Well, the time has come to dig it out. "Consider dressing for his tastes and not just yours once in a while," says Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., author of Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. "Take him shopping and have him choose outfits he would like to see you in or some lingerie he finds sexy."
If the idea of donning a Victoria's Secret number for your husband seems somehow tawdry, don't sweat it: Remember, you're doing this for him, not for you. And, as psychologist Ronald Goldstein, Ph.D., a marriage counselor in Newtown, Pennsylvania, explains: "Women should keep in mind that men are visually oriented." Trust me, men find it very romantic when you step wholeheartedly into our debauched little fantasy worlds. If we're hard-wired to be turned on by visual cues, why not indulge us — and use it to your advantage?
2. Touch Him All Over, All the Time
I'm not talking about sex, and I'm not talking about massage — just plain old run-of-the-mill touching. Whether you're playing footsie under the table or placing a hand on our shoulders while scooting behind our chairs, men find the touch of the woman they love unbelievably reassuring. In our treasured nonverbal language, it translates as: "I accept you ... I love you ... We're a team."
Again, this doesn't have to lead to anything but if it does, so much the better. "Learn to love and appreciate all of your man's body," says De Angelis. "This will give you time to become more aroused and make him feel like you love every part of him." In other words, let your fingers do the talking.
3. Give Him a Night Out with the Boys — No Strings Attached
It may seem odd to you that a romantic gesture might not involve you at all. But dogs run with dogs, wolves run with wolves, and every so often, guys just have to break away and run with the guys (drooling and howling optional). All the married men I know miss those carefree nights out with the guys — a fact many of the married women I know find unnecessarily threatening. When I look back on my single days, it's the male companionship I miss, not the cornucopia of gorgeous single gals (okay, okay — the handful of pretty good-looking single gals). Honestly.
Now, maybe you have no problem with our stepping out occasionally for some beers with the pals. But — and this is the hard part — how can we possibly ask? At some earlier point in our relationship, remember, you accused us of choosing our friends over you, and now we're gun-shy about confessing a need to shoot pool with Bill or see a ball game with Fred.
Make it easy for us, just once in awhile, and we'll love you for it. Suggest we call up Fred for the ball game next Saturday and watch our eyes light up. As an over-the-top bonus, tell us we don't have to call at midnight to check in. It demonstrates trust, and it shows you're truly trying to make your husband happy, not just making an empty romantic gesture. Your gift won't be soon forgotten. After all, when your wife demonstrates new-girlfriend coolness, what could be more romantic than that?
4. Show Up at His Office
I don't mean that literally — showing up unannounced just as he's getting his head together for the Big Meeting can be catastrophically disruptive. I mean it figuratively: Make your presence known throughout the day. I know, when we were just dating we tried to discourage you from calling us at work. Many single guys consider work a safe haven from the minefield of dating and don't want that sacred space violated. In marriage, though, it's different: News from the home front serves as a nice reminder of what you're working for.
"I think a man likes to hear that his wife loves him and misses him," says Goldstein. "Corny as it sounds, if the woman puts a note in his briefcase or calls him up at work just to say how much she's looking forward to making love that night, it can really make a guy's day." Be creative: Send him a suggestive email from your office, leave a sexy message on his voice mail or tuck a holiday picture of you in a thong bikini into his shirt pocket. They'll all send the desired message: "Think about me ... I'm thinking about you."
5. Tell Him What a Big, Strong Guy He Is
We men are famously incompetent at expressing ourselves verbally ... but that doesn't mean we don't appreciate hearing a little praise now and then. In particular, we draw a lot of our identity from our maleness. Nurturing our big-ape fantasies — me Tarzan, you Jane — lets us know you value us as males, which is somehow important to the continued production of testosterone. So tell your husband he makes you feel safe, thank him for working so hard (even if you're working just as hard), tell him you pity friends who don't have husbands like him.
A quick insight into men: We all want to be heroes. Remembering to compliment your spouse on being a great husband and father isn't always easy in the middle of a busy day, but it's a quick shortcut to making him feel wanted, needed and loved, which is of course the ultimate point of any romantic gesture. And this positive reinforcement of your husband's good behavior will yield big dividends later, as he subconsciously tries to live up to your glowing appraisal.
Here's another secret: A solid pampering after a rough day at work is tough to beat in the area of tenderness. Yes, your days are nuts, too, but the key to romantic gestures is to put the other person's needs 100 percent before your own. So if you know his day has been hell, why not give your husband a massage, set up a hot bath, a cold beer and that novel he's been trying to read? What makes such royal treatment so romantic to a man is the way it reassures him you appreciate his hard work, and that you're proud of him. Married men often feel guilty about the energy they devote to work. The post-hell-day back rub reassures us that everything's okay.
6. Engineer a Break-the-Routine Date
Your weekly "date night" doesn't count. I'm talking about whisking him off for a weekend getaway or getting a babysitter and surprising him after work with movie tickets. To make sure the evening works, try to determine what your relationship needs at the moment. Are you both overworked and feeling disconnected? Try a relaxing night at a local hotel. Getting bored with the daily grind? Take off for an exciting weekend someplace exotic but affordable. Once you determine the proper mood, make all the plans and pull the surprise.
Since one key detail is to make sure your husband doesn't make alternate plans, first lower his expectations by making a dreary-sounding appointment (your parents are in town?) he won't dare to miss. He's mentally prepared for a dull, dutiful evening then you spring your romantic surprise. He'll be so relieved he can't help but have a good time.
Besides being great fun, this type of creative spontaneity is romantic because we find it disarmingly sweet when you go to a lot of trouble for us. My wife has surprised me a few times on my birthday with a big party to which she's invited all my friends, and it never fails to make me feel like a king.
7. Make Sex with Him an Event
I remember taking a shower one evening after coming home exhausted and emerging from the bathroom to find that my wife had made a bed on the living room floor out of couch cushions, pillows and blankets. It gave the least sexy room in the house a very exciting, exotic feel — part hotel room, part pillow fort. I won't share the details of what happened next.
When married men say they miss the kind of sex they had in their single days — and we do say it to one another, even if we don't dare say it to you — that is what we're talking about. While single sex was full of wild abandon and the unknown, married sex gradually becomes more about comfort than passion, and once you know all of each other's secrets, ruts become unavoidable unless you make a particular, focused effort to keep out of them. The upshot: Break the routine. If you're in the habit of making love with the lights out, try keeping them on or illuminating the room with candles. Rent a blue movie or get some massage oil and surprise him on the couch. "Have a conversation with your husband and try to get at what some of his sexual fantasies are," suggests Goldstein. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable, or it'll backfire horribly. But making sex a celebratory event will show him in no uncertain terms that you think he's special.
Which would you rather receive from your husband: a weekend at a spa or a new set of cookware? The spa is by far the more romantic gift, if only because he doesn't stand to gain anything from it. Gifts that don't benefit the giver are somehow purer because they demonstrate you care only about making your spouse happy. So when you're thinking about gifts, try not to think about what you'd like to get him, but what he'd like to receive.
My wife and I have very different tastes in movies, and we used to make the mistake of always trying to rent movies we both wanted to see. Sounds logical, but all we ever rented were middle-of-the-road videos that didn't offend either of us. I never got to see the special-effects thrillers I really wanted, and she never got to see the teary romances she's interested in (for whatever bizarre reason). Now we alternate movie picks, allowing both of us to see the movies we really want to see, at only the small cost of sitting through each other's favorites.
What's my point? It can be exhausting trying to be clones of each other. One of men's fears going into marriage is that we'll be molded into Bland Married Guy. When you reward his individuality by paying attention to his quirky preferences, even when they clash with your own, you ease this fear and reassure him you're not trying to change him. Presto: instant intimacy.
9. Show Interest in His Outside Life
We live in a fast-paced world, and Lord knows it's easy enough to get wrapped up in our own routines. But finding ways to let a man know you care about all aspects of his life, not just the parts he shares with you, is a great way to show you love the whole man. Shoot him a few well-directed questions about work to help him unwind, surprise him with a book relating to a hobby, track down a Website that deals with some problem he's having — all are touching gestures I guarantee will be well-received.
"Once I spent two hours digging through scraps of paper trying to find a number I'd misplaced," recalls Jim, 31. "I was pissed and frustrated — I never can get organized. Two weeks later, my wife presented me with a new address book, into which she'd copied all the numbers from my pile of business cards and scrap papers. She completely blew me away."
Getting him out of a jam with family and friends — or simply having a little foresight in the area of personal relations — can have the same effect. "My kid sister was off in college and feeling lonely, and my wife, unbeknownst to me, started sending care packages to her," recalls Bobby, 33. "I only found out about it when Tracy called and started thanking me profusely, saying she couldn't believe how thoughtful 'we' were. I was really impressed; I'd never have thought of it myself, but it was exactly the right thing to do." Tread carefully, though: Somewhere there's a line between helping and meddling.
10. Tell Him a Secret
Men want to be soul mates, too. Telling him a secret — symbolically letting him deeper inside you — demonstrates total trust in him and faith in your relationship. Because you're making yourself vulnerable, it's an incredible bonding experience. What works just as well: Encourage him to tell you a secret or two. And don't laugh.
11. Slow Down Dinner
Sure, the idea that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is a cliché. But it reached such status for a reason: It works. (It worked so well with me that I married a professional cook.) And it's tough to miss the basic, underlying romantic symbolism of cooking for your man: You satisfy his hunger, his craving.
The modern version of cooking as romance, it seems to me, is to use an elaborate meal as a way to slow things down. Start with wine, end with coffee and divide even the most mundane meal courses — first the macaroni, then the cheese — thereby delaying your husband's gratification and whetting his appetite. Slowing down the meal not only makes the food taste better and gives you more time to talk, but it returns a sense of ceremony to the meal, turning it into a kind of date. Your husband can't help but sit, tuck in and take notice.
12. Do a Sexy Little Bump-and-Grind Striptease
Well, you can't blame a guy for asking.
4 Ways to Get Your Sweetie to Hear You
Do you ever feel like your significant other doesn’t understand you? It could be a simple difference in gender communication styles.
What caused your last argument? Are the words you said the same ones your sweetie heard? It’s no secret that storms between women and men linger at the intersection of loving and living. You may find yourself asking, Earth to sweetie, what must I do to get through to you?
Here are four gender communication pitfalls with tips on how to avoid falling into them. While all men and women are not all the same, using just one of these tips the next time you disagree may reap relationship riches.
Pitfall 1: Men can separate sex from love, but women think that sex IS love.
A recent study found that a large percentage of women have sex for the sheer pleasure of it. Duh! But the study ignored the posturing of the genders AFTER sex occurs. Women ask me how they can push a guy towards permanence. The bonding hormone oxytocin, which gals have in far greater supply, drives women to bond with a man. But the male tortoise that tottered toward commitment now darts like a cheetah toward the cave. He feels invaded while she feels evaded. Hey guys, lighten up! The female black widow spider usually fails in her attempts to eat her mate after sex. Steve told Jackie he didn’t want to get serious. But since he was living at her home on weekends, she thought he would come around. Because Jackie kept pushing the issue, the couple ended up splitting for good.
My Advice: Yes, we know that talk is cheap, but if someone says the same thing to you over and over again, you need to listen! As my Gilda-Gram says, “If any partner feels he or she is in maximum security lockup, your relationship is doomed.” Sex is sex and nothing more — unless BOTH partners agree to change the script.
Pitfall 2: Men talk deals, women talk details.
Words have different purposes for the two genders. Women use them to solicit rapport, while men use them for gathering and disseminating information. In fact, men may accuse women of talking too much, but research shows that men actually talk more.
Lauren missed Fred after not seeing him for awhile. As soon as they got together again, she blabbed non-stop, describing every detail of the time they spent apart. While Lauren just wanted to include Fred in her life, his mind was screaming, “Damn! Does she ever shut up?” Unable to tolerate her constant chatter, Fred left Lauren in his rearview mirror. Lauren never knew why.
My Advice: Before pitching your message, assess your honey’s receptivity. Ladies, when your guy walks in and asks how your day was, ask him, “Do you want it in male talk or female talk?” Usually, he’ll choose the former, so offer a synopsis. Your feelings will remain intact while he goes off to unwind. Later, you can fill him in on any important details.
Pitfall 3: Women deliver “like-me” language, while men argue their points.
“Like-me” language preps the “nice girl” to ingratiate herself and avoid offense. Statements with a question added to the end (“The movie was good, wasn’t it?”) avoid issuing a judgment on the speaker’s behalf. Hedging phrases (such as “I think” or “kind of”) avoid imposing an opinion. In contrast, men blurt out their thoughts without subterfuge and tend to compete in one-upping each other.
Nice girl Traci was furious that each time she argued with Ralph, he insisted that if they broke up, he’d find someone else before she did. This was his aggressive repartee, a style guys customarily use without taking anything personally. After I explained to Traci that this was a gender distinction, not a slap in her proverbial face, she was able to laugh off Ralph’s competitive edge talk. Her new attitude softened all their future disagreements, and they’re now planning their wedding.
My Advice: Observe how the genders speak within themselves as a group. Know the stereotypes, honor the differences and laugh them off, just like Traci did.
Pitfall 4: Men want to fix women’s problems, but women just want to share.
When Marilyn brought her work problems home to Alan, he proceeded to tell her how to solve them. Unfortunately, all Marilyn wanted was to vent to someone with whom she felt “safe.” In my own relationship, I told my seasoned businessman boyfriend (whom I’ll call “Studly”) that I was looking to expand my consulting firm. Studly then escorted me to various booths at a trade show, introducing me to anyone who would listen. He’d begin saying, “This young lady would like to…” as though I were a mute 10-year-old. “Hey,” I told him, “I’m an adult woman, I have a legitimate Ph.D., years of corporate consulting experience and I can SPEAK FOR MYSELF!” Poor Studly thought he was “fixing” my dilemma and had acted with the best of intentions — and boy, was he miffed!
My Advice: Ladies, know what you’re after before you unload. If you just want to vent, tell your partner. Guys, if your lady doesn’t tell you what she’d like your role to be, ASK HER before you provide solutions to the problem at hand. Women typically don’t want to take your directions any more than you like asking for them.
In the end, Mars and Venus can communicate with each other. For planetary bliss, just don’t assume that what you say will be interpreted in the way you intended. Ask for feedback. Understanding gender communiqués successfully is a major key to sustaining love.
What caused your last argument? Are the words you said the same ones your sweetie heard? It’s no secret that storms between women and men linger at the intersection of loving and living. You may find yourself asking, Earth to sweetie, what must I do to get through to you?
Here are four gender communication pitfalls with tips on how to avoid falling into them. While all men and women are not all the same, using just one of these tips the next time you disagree may reap relationship riches.
Pitfall 1: Men can separate sex from love, but women think that sex IS love.
A recent study found that a large percentage of women have sex for the sheer pleasure of it. Duh! But the study ignored the posturing of the genders AFTER sex occurs. Women ask me how they can push a guy towards permanence. The bonding hormone oxytocin, which gals have in far greater supply, drives women to bond with a man. But the male tortoise that tottered toward commitment now darts like a cheetah toward the cave. He feels invaded while she feels evaded. Hey guys, lighten up! The female black widow spider usually fails in her attempts to eat her mate after sex. Steve told Jackie he didn’t want to get serious. But since he was living at her home on weekends, she thought he would come around. Because Jackie kept pushing the issue, the couple ended up splitting for good.
My Advice: Yes, we know that talk is cheap, but if someone says the same thing to you over and over again, you need to listen! As my Gilda-Gram says, “If any partner feels he or she is in maximum security lockup, your relationship is doomed.” Sex is sex and nothing more — unless BOTH partners agree to change the script.
Pitfall 2: Men talk deals, women talk details.
Words have different purposes for the two genders. Women use them to solicit rapport, while men use them for gathering and disseminating information. In fact, men may accuse women of talking too much, but research shows that men actually talk more.
Lauren missed Fred after not seeing him for awhile. As soon as they got together again, she blabbed non-stop, describing every detail of the time they spent apart. While Lauren just wanted to include Fred in her life, his mind was screaming, “Damn! Does she ever shut up?” Unable to tolerate her constant chatter, Fred left Lauren in his rearview mirror. Lauren never knew why.
My Advice: Before pitching your message, assess your honey’s receptivity. Ladies, when your guy walks in and asks how your day was, ask him, “Do you want it in male talk or female talk?” Usually, he’ll choose the former, so offer a synopsis. Your feelings will remain intact while he goes off to unwind. Later, you can fill him in on any important details.
Pitfall 3: Women deliver “like-me” language, while men argue their points.
“Like-me” language preps the “nice girl” to ingratiate herself and avoid offense. Statements with a question added to the end (“The movie was good, wasn’t it?”) avoid issuing a judgment on the speaker’s behalf. Hedging phrases (such as “I think” or “kind of”) avoid imposing an opinion. In contrast, men blurt out their thoughts without subterfuge and tend to compete in one-upping each other.
Nice girl Traci was furious that each time she argued with Ralph, he insisted that if they broke up, he’d find someone else before she did. This was his aggressive repartee, a style guys customarily use without taking anything personally. After I explained to Traci that this was a gender distinction, not a slap in her proverbial face, she was able to laugh off Ralph’s competitive edge talk. Her new attitude softened all their future disagreements, and they’re now planning their wedding.
My Advice: Observe how the genders speak within themselves as a group. Know the stereotypes, honor the differences and laugh them off, just like Traci did.
Pitfall 4: Men want to fix women’s problems, but women just want to share.
When Marilyn brought her work problems home to Alan, he proceeded to tell her how to solve them. Unfortunately, all Marilyn wanted was to vent to someone with whom she felt “safe.” In my own relationship, I told my seasoned businessman boyfriend (whom I’ll call “Studly”) that I was looking to expand my consulting firm. Studly then escorted me to various booths at a trade show, introducing me to anyone who would listen. He’d begin saying, “This young lady would like to…” as though I were a mute 10-year-old. “Hey,” I told him, “I’m an adult woman, I have a legitimate Ph.D., years of corporate consulting experience and I can SPEAK FOR MYSELF!” Poor Studly thought he was “fixing” my dilemma and had acted with the best of intentions — and boy, was he miffed!
My Advice: Ladies, know what you’re after before you unload. If you just want to vent, tell your partner. Guys, if your lady doesn’t tell you what she’d like your role to be, ASK HER before you provide solutions to the problem at hand. Women typically don’t want to take your directions any more than you like asking for them.
In the end, Mars and Venus can communicate with each other. For planetary bliss, just don’t assume that what you say will be interpreted in the way you intended. Ask for feedback. Understanding gender communiqués successfully is a major key to sustaining love.
Four Traits Men Find Irresistible
A pretty girl will certainly turn a man's head, but what are the personality characteristics that can lead to something more permanent, like falling in love?
Glossy lips and amazing cleavage will inspire a guy to cross a crowded room, but when it comes to triggering that hit-by-a-truck (in a good way) feeling, less obvious factors are at play. "Although guys might not even realize it, they have several deep-seated fears about commitment that may stop them from pursuing a woman," says Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days. "And on a subconscious level, they're instantly attracted to personality traits that put those fears at ease."
You likely already possess the tantalizing traits Kirschner is referring to. The trick is knowing how to play them up when you're face-to-face with a worthy guy. Put the following advice into action and the only thing he'll have to be afraid of is falling in love too fast.
1. Ignore Him After Five Minutes
You've just met an incredibly gorgeous guy, and he doesn't even have a Brody Jenner-size ego to match. "At this point, a lot of women want to shower the guy with attention because that's how we treat girlfriends we like," Kirschner says. "But that can make a guy feel pressured, and being pressured into a relationship is something many men worry about." The smarter move? Don't act so impressed.
Refusing to be wowed easily will send the message that not only are you not pressuring him, but you may even be slightly out of reach. "Because men are biologically hardwired to be competitive, they need to feel like they're making the choice to be with you and then working toward winning you over," says John Amodeo, Ph.D., author of The Authentic Heart. "You need to give a guy the space to do that." Instead of focusing on him, pay just as much (and, at times, even more) attention to others around you, advises clinical psychologist Belisa Vranich, Psy.D., author of He's Got Potential.
And when he mentions having done something undeniably awesome, like studying abroad in Nepal, resist the urge to gush about how amazing that must have been. Play it cool by maintaining a low-key tone, and challenge him to prove how smart he is by saying "That's a curious choice. What made you decide to go there?" By questioning him (instead of going all awestruck), you'll trigger his competitive instincts.
2. Be Comfortable in Your Skin
It doesn't matter how drop-dead sexy your outfit is. If you're not confident about and comfortable with your body, a guy can tell — and be turned off — in a matter of minutes. "If you move with confidence and sensuality, it's a sign that you're going to be just as confident and sensual in the bedroom," Vranich says, "which squashes any worries he might have that he's going to date a hot girl only to find out she's never in the mood." In other words, a perfectly timed lip lick or sensual stretch might as well be catnip for men.
If you're a normally confident woman who can get nervous around guys — especially hot ones — try focusing on little details around you. You can't pay attention to how the bartender is constructing his signature cocktail and psych yourself out at the same time. "Projecting your attention outward instead of inward helps you relax," Kirschner says.
Once you're feeling more comfortable, try dragging your fingers slowly along your collarbone, massaging your neck, or arching your back while letting him see and/or hear (try letting out a little mmm...). When he sees how good you're making yourself feel, he'll subconsciously assume that you're someone who loves to give and get pleasure.
3. Show Off Your Playful Side
Okay, so you probably already know that guys go gaga for fun girls and steer clear of women who seem uptight. But you'll never guess why. "A lot of guys are afraid that the second they commit to a girl, they'll turn into one of those couples who fight all the time," Kirschner says. A playful attitude shows him you have a sense of humor, and he assumes that any woman who laughs easily is going to be a helluva lot more pleasant to break out the boxing gloves with.
"What do guys do with other guys when they're at odds? They have fun and make fun of each other," says dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of Why You're Still Single. "Guys don't fight dirty with their male friends; they just mess around." Ideally, that's the way he wants it to be with you.
"Being playful shows that you can reframe bad things in a positive light and laugh at them, not get too worked up about them," Vranich says. If he's wearing a goofy shirt, tease him about it. Or if you spill your wine or say something stupid, laugh it off instead of freezing up. A guy will especially read into how you talk about other relationships, so show him that you're the type who doesn't freak out easily by telling him a funny story about the time your friend's BF totally botched the first meeting with her parents ... and how it cracked you up.
4. Talk About What You Really Love
That initial conversation you have with him is the perfect time to mention that you just went to your first foreign-film festival or have suddenly become obsessed with running or cooking or whatever. You'll simultaneously be clueing him in to what you like and putting one of men's biggest relationship fears to rest: boredomphobia.
"Men are looking for excitement, they're looking for high energy, they're looking for passion in a relationship," Kirschner says. "So they're inherently more attracted to someone who's thrilled to try new things."
Whether a guy knows it or not, there's a scientific reason why his natural preference for passionate chicks pays off. Studies show that doing something you've never done before leads to the creation of the brain chemical dopamine, which creates feelings similar to romantic infatuation. So if he's with a girl who loves to do fun and interesting things every weekend, the dopamine will keep flowing and they're both more likely to stay madly in love.
To show him that life with you could never be boring, let him know that you're prepared to sell your soul for tickets to see your favorite band in concert next month or that you can make 10 kinds of salsa that are all 100 times better than what's on the bar. In other words, don't hold back when it comes to what you love. He'll be wowed by your enthusiasm — even if he couldn't care less about your obsession.
Glossy lips and amazing cleavage will inspire a guy to cross a crowded room, but when it comes to triggering that hit-by-a-truck (in a good way) feeling, less obvious factors are at play. "Although guys might not even realize it, they have several deep-seated fears about commitment that may stop them from pursuing a woman," says Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days. "And on a subconscious level, they're instantly attracted to personality traits that put those fears at ease."
You likely already possess the tantalizing traits Kirschner is referring to. The trick is knowing how to play them up when you're face-to-face with a worthy guy. Put the following advice into action and the only thing he'll have to be afraid of is falling in love too fast.
1. Ignore Him After Five Minutes
You've just met an incredibly gorgeous guy, and he doesn't even have a Brody Jenner-size ego to match. "At this point, a lot of women want to shower the guy with attention because that's how we treat girlfriends we like," Kirschner says. "But that can make a guy feel pressured, and being pressured into a relationship is something many men worry about." The smarter move? Don't act so impressed.
Refusing to be wowed easily will send the message that not only are you not pressuring him, but you may even be slightly out of reach. "Because men are biologically hardwired to be competitive, they need to feel like they're making the choice to be with you and then working toward winning you over," says John Amodeo, Ph.D., author of The Authentic Heart. "You need to give a guy the space to do that." Instead of focusing on him, pay just as much (and, at times, even more) attention to others around you, advises clinical psychologist Belisa Vranich, Psy.D., author of He's Got Potential.
And when he mentions having done something undeniably awesome, like studying abroad in Nepal, resist the urge to gush about how amazing that must have been. Play it cool by maintaining a low-key tone, and challenge him to prove how smart he is by saying "That's a curious choice. What made you decide to go there?" By questioning him (instead of going all awestruck), you'll trigger his competitive instincts.
2. Be Comfortable in Your Skin
It doesn't matter how drop-dead sexy your outfit is. If you're not confident about and comfortable with your body, a guy can tell — and be turned off — in a matter of minutes. "If you move with confidence and sensuality, it's a sign that you're going to be just as confident and sensual in the bedroom," Vranich says, "which squashes any worries he might have that he's going to date a hot girl only to find out she's never in the mood." In other words, a perfectly timed lip lick or sensual stretch might as well be catnip for men.
If you're a normally confident woman who can get nervous around guys — especially hot ones — try focusing on little details around you. You can't pay attention to how the bartender is constructing his signature cocktail and psych yourself out at the same time. "Projecting your attention outward instead of inward helps you relax," Kirschner says.
Once you're feeling more comfortable, try dragging your fingers slowly along your collarbone, massaging your neck, or arching your back while letting him see and/or hear (try letting out a little mmm...). When he sees how good you're making yourself feel, he'll subconsciously assume that you're someone who loves to give and get pleasure.
3. Show Off Your Playful Side
Okay, so you probably already know that guys go gaga for fun girls and steer clear of women who seem uptight. But you'll never guess why. "A lot of guys are afraid that the second they commit to a girl, they'll turn into one of those couples who fight all the time," Kirschner says. A playful attitude shows him you have a sense of humor, and he assumes that any woman who laughs easily is going to be a helluva lot more pleasant to break out the boxing gloves with.
"What do guys do with other guys when they're at odds? They have fun and make fun of each other," says dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of Why You're Still Single. "Guys don't fight dirty with their male friends; they just mess around." Ideally, that's the way he wants it to be with you.
"Being playful shows that you can reframe bad things in a positive light and laugh at them, not get too worked up about them," Vranich says. If he's wearing a goofy shirt, tease him about it. Or if you spill your wine or say something stupid, laugh it off instead of freezing up. A guy will especially read into how you talk about other relationships, so show him that you're the type who doesn't freak out easily by telling him a funny story about the time your friend's BF totally botched the first meeting with her parents ... and how it cracked you up.
4. Talk About What You Really Love
That initial conversation you have with him is the perfect time to mention that you just went to your first foreign-film festival or have suddenly become obsessed with running or cooking or whatever. You'll simultaneously be clueing him in to what you like and putting one of men's biggest relationship fears to rest: boredomphobia.
"Men are looking for excitement, they're looking for high energy, they're looking for passion in a relationship," Kirschner says. "So they're inherently more attracted to someone who's thrilled to try new things."
Whether a guy knows it or not, there's a scientific reason why his natural preference for passionate chicks pays off. Studies show that doing something you've never done before leads to the creation of the brain chemical dopamine, which creates feelings similar to romantic infatuation. So if he's with a girl who loves to do fun and interesting things every weekend, the dopamine will keep flowing and they're both more likely to stay madly in love.
To show him that life with you could never be boring, let him know that you're prepared to sell your soul for tickets to see your favorite band in concert next month or that you can make 10 kinds of salsa that are all 100 times better than what's on the bar. In other words, don't hold back when it comes to what you love. He'll be wowed by your enthusiasm — even if he couldn't care less about your obsession.
What You Must Know by the Fourth Date
You can gauge a guy's potential with three key pieces of info. The trick? Coax them out of him without seeming like a total psycho.
By the time you reach date four, you often need to decide whether to get more serious or get out. And with savvy detective work now, you can spare yourself disappointment later. "It's all about knowing how to ask and what to look for in his answers," says Debbie Magids, Ph.D., author of All the Good Ones Aren't Taken. So to avoid wasting time on a dead-end dude, find out the following.
How Does He Feel About His Job?
His career attitude can reveal if your lives are likely to mesh or clash — provided you can take the conversation beyond takes of mean bosses and overdue TPS reports. "The important thing to ask is 'Do you like what you do?'" says Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D., coauthor of Why Men Stop Having Sex. "So much can follow naturally from his answer."
Let's say your vision of coupled-up bliss include cozy dinners and a weekly 30 Rock ritual. If he goes on about work and mentions his long hours or second job, you can kiss seeing him at a decent time good-bye. Or maybe you're busting you butt to live big in a city, but he's eager to ditch his office and start an organic farm. Good to know now, right?
What Was His Last Relationship Like?
As awkward as it is, ex talk is incredibly useful in predicting how he'll act when he's no longer on his best dating behavior. Get him to open up with flattery. "Tell him 'You're such a cool guy. What kind of girl would let you get away?'" Berkowitz suggests, "It's a compliment that also leads to discussion." A mature, compassionate guy typically will list a few of his ex's good qualities before explaining why things just didn't work out. If he scowls a lot, shakes his head repeatedly, or drops some harsh criticism, odds are that his lack of patience and understanding was part of the problem.
How Does He Handle Debt?
First off, debt isn't always bad. A guy with student loans is in "smart debt" — it's an investment that will pay off. You need to look out for the guy who is in the weeds for the 65-inch plasma TV he just had to have ... and is planning to buy a top-of-the-line road bike next. "How he manages money is a bigger indicator of character than how much he has," Magids says. "It shows if he takes the responsibility for his actions."
Talking about the economy is an easy way to shift the convo toward finances. Then zero in on bills saying, "I'm so happy I just paid off my credit cards. Have you run up any debt on those things?" If he's made some unwise financial decisions, it's not a total deal breaker, so long as he mentions cutting back and making good on what he owes.
By the time you reach date four, you often need to decide whether to get more serious or get out. And with savvy detective work now, you can spare yourself disappointment later. "It's all about knowing how to ask and what to look for in his answers," says Debbie Magids, Ph.D., author of All the Good Ones Aren't Taken. So to avoid wasting time on a dead-end dude, find out the following.
How Does He Feel About His Job?
His career attitude can reveal if your lives are likely to mesh or clash — provided you can take the conversation beyond takes of mean bosses and overdue TPS reports. "The important thing to ask is 'Do you like what you do?'" says Bob Berkowitz, Ph.D., coauthor of Why Men Stop Having Sex. "So much can follow naturally from his answer."
Let's say your vision of coupled-up bliss include cozy dinners and a weekly 30 Rock ritual. If he goes on about work and mentions his long hours or second job, you can kiss seeing him at a decent time good-bye. Or maybe you're busting you butt to live big in a city, but he's eager to ditch his office and start an organic farm. Good to know now, right?
What Was His Last Relationship Like?
As awkward as it is, ex talk is incredibly useful in predicting how he'll act when he's no longer on his best dating behavior. Get him to open up with flattery. "Tell him 'You're such a cool guy. What kind of girl would let you get away?'" Berkowitz suggests, "It's a compliment that also leads to discussion." A mature, compassionate guy typically will list a few of his ex's good qualities before explaining why things just didn't work out. If he scowls a lot, shakes his head repeatedly, or drops some harsh criticism, odds are that his lack of patience and understanding was part of the problem.
How Does He Handle Debt?
First off, debt isn't always bad. A guy with student loans is in "smart debt" — it's an investment that will pay off. You need to look out for the guy who is in the weeds for the 65-inch plasma TV he just had to have ... and is planning to buy a top-of-the-line road bike next. "How he manages money is a bigger indicator of character than how much he has," Magids says. "It shows if he takes the responsibility for his actions."
Talking about the economy is an easy way to shift the convo toward finances. Then zero in on bills saying, "I'm so happy I just paid off my credit cards. Have you run up any debt on those things?" If he's made some unwise financial decisions, it's not a total deal breaker, so long as he mentions cutting back and making good on what he owes.
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