To U.....What's the Most Surprising Thing About Love?

Poets have written about amour and singers have been singing about love since Adam met Eve. As long as love has been around, it still has the power to amaze and thrill us. Real Simple readers share insights into love's delights and mysteries.

No matter what happens, you may not forget but you always forgive!

Emma Weiberlen

Bronx, New York

The surprising thing is how much you can learn about someone when discussing what it is that they love. When I first meet people, I always try to ask them about their loves ― what food do you love, what do you love most about living in the city, what is one piece of music you absolutely love?

It's very revealing to hear someone speak about something or someone they love. Their face lights up, you can hear passion in their voice, and you find out what it is that really gets that person excited! It's a great way to get to know someone and see that person in their most positive light.

Jacqueline Schmidt

New York, New York

Love has a way of returning again and again, with much less work and with just as much meaning!

Kimberly Ammons

Suffolk, Virginia

It always wins. We are all guilty of it! You swore you would never marry. Then it happens. You meet someone who finally understands your family ― someone you can laugh with, cry with, and everything in between. Love takes the win! Kids? Forget about it ― especially in this economy. Who can afford them? Nine months later that baby looks at you like you are the most important person in his world. That's another point for love! You fix the neighbor's car, tie a child's shoe, hold the door for a stranger, return a lost puppy, forgive an old friend. Love remains undefeated.

Jennifer Baglio

Stratford, Connecticut

You find you have higher standards than you ever thought you had when you find someone to love and someone who loves you. Love makes people want to grow together and make ourselves better people for the ones we love.

Piper Hyland

Oakland, California

As a single mother who was alone for eight years, you would think the most surprising thing about love was that I would find the man of my dreams sitting next to me at my son's baseball game. But the thing that surprises me the most is how much in love with him I am over three years later. I still get butterflies when I see him. Finding love that truly lasts later in life surprises and amazes me.

Fran O'Brien

Saddle Brook, New Jersey

My best friend once told me right before she got married that the most surprising thing about her love was her ability to admit when she is wrong, and apologize to her husband. With everyone else she is her usual stubborn self, but with her husband she is able to be her true self, even if she has to apologize for that sometimes! According to her, love does mean having to say you're sorry.

Katie Charest

Baltimore, Maryland

I have always thought that if you were in love you would have those ooey-gooey feelings. I have been most surprised these past two years when I realized that love has nothing to do with those ooey-gooey feelings. Love is actually a sacrifice, and many times when I love someone else it actually hurts! I've found that when I lay down my wants and desires for someone else, that's real love.

Celia Storey

Canton, Texas

It is like a Ninja, popping up when you least expect it and turning your once safe world upside down.

Susie S.

Alexandria, Virginia

Love doesn't judge.

Taysha Riggs

Los Angeles, California

I had no idea what was going to happen when the "I can't get enough of you" phase ended. I thought nothing could compare. Truth is, I wouldn't trade the intimacy, trust, and comfort of being with my husband for over 15 years for anything. It does get better, deeper, and more significant.

Laurie Ciulla

Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey

8 Reasons Why Men Cheats

Guys explain why they got the urge to stray on their significant others.

Sometimes, when the going gets tough, the tough get it on with someone else. But what really makes men stray?

A nagging girlfriend?  Bad sex?  An escape from loneliness? Yes, yes and yes. Hear why these men slipped away from their girlfriends and landed in someone else's bed. Then — whether you're a guy or a girl — use the info below to sidestep this kind of situation in your love life.

Reason #1: For payback

"I once cheated on my girlfriend after I saw on her cell phone that she had been text-messaging with her ex. They were pretty harmless messages, but it angered me that she had been communicating with him in the first place — I'd always thought they were a little too chummy. That night, I was out with friends and had a lot to drink. I got so worked up about those messages that I pretty much made it my mission to find another girl and hook up with her, which I did. I think it was a payback thing. We eventually broke up, but not because of that incident — I never told her — but more so because we just weren't right for each other. I know it wasn't the best way to handle my anger, but at the time, it sure did feel good."

— Christopher, 29, Oakland, CA

Reason #2: The physical attraction just isn't there

"Ever since I can remember, I have always been attracted to women with large chests. My ex-girlfriend was great in a lot of ways, but she was completely flat-chested, which did absolutely nothing to make me sexually attracted to her. I tried to look past it, but it was hard. About two months into our relationship, I was out with a bunch of friends at a sports bar, and our incredibly hot and ample-chested waitress was really hitting on me. She gave me her number and asked me if I wanted me to meet her after her shift was over. I agreed, and ended up sleeping with her. It was just a one night thing, but it helped me realize I needed to end things with my girlfriend, because I had to be with someone I was madly attracted to."

— Dave, 26, Roanoke, VA

Reason #3: She just isn't there

"I cheated on my ex at a time when she was traveling so much that I never saw her. It was almost as if I didn't have a girlfriend. I got so lonely — especially on the weekend nights, and I missed that companionship, both physically and emotionally. When she was gone, I began seeing someone else while I was still technically seeing my ex. I ended up telling my ex and she broke it off with me. In the end, I think things ended for the better, even though the steps I took to make it happen weren't very honorable. I now make sure that whoever I choose to date doesn't have a job that requires big-time traveling."

— Scott, 30, Jessup, MD

Reason #4: He thinks he's missing out

"I had dated Melanie all through college ever since we met at orientation. After we graduated, I moved to New York and she moved to Chicago, but we decided we'd stay together. I spent nearly every weekend traveling to see her, but during the week, I'd go out with my friends in New York and have a blast. After a few months of that drill, I knew staying true to her would be tough; going out in the city made me realize how many smart, beautiful women are out there, and never having been with anyone other than Melanie made me feel like I was missing out on a lot of fun. One night I hooked up with another girl, which finally made me realize I had to end things with Melanie. I told her what happened, and, as it turned out, she had done the same thing a few times. While we were both hurt, we realized we needed to take some time off. We stayed friends, and still are today, even though we're married to different people."

— Tom, 35, New York, NY

Reason #5: He's moved on emotionally

"I met my ex in a Weight Watchers meeting, of all places. When we started dating, we were both about 50 pounds overweight. As the months went by, I took the program really seriously and quickly dropped weight. She didn't adhere to the program, and her weight didn't come off. After I lost the weight, I felt this new sense of confidence — women who had never spoken to me before began approaching me, and it felt great. My ex, on the other hand, was depressed about being heavy, and was always jealous of other women. One weekend when she was out of town, I met this gorgeous woman at my gym and we slept together. I never told my ex, but I did end up breaking up with her a few weeks after that incident. I've realized since then that I need to be with women who are on the same page as me about the things in my life that are important."

— Brad, 41, Houston, TX

Reason #6: There's too much fighting

"My ex and I used to live together, and we fought all the time. The constant tension made me miserable. In contrast to my ex, there was a girl at work who was easygoing, friendly and fun. One night we were both working late and ended up getting a drink together after we left. One thing led to another, and I ended up staying over at her place. As bad as this may sound, after that happened, I felt free. It was as if I finally had the courage to just end it with my ex already. When I came home the next morning, my ex went crazy, but for the first time, it didn't bother me, because I knew what I was going to do. I told her exactly what had happened and that I'd be moving out that week, and I did. I began seeing the girl from work, and we've been together for about four months now."

— Nate, 34, Boulder, CO

 Reason #7: He needs a shot of self-esteem

"I'm really shy, and have never felt very comfortable approaching women. I once had a girlfriend who was just as shy as me. Our relationship was fine — nothing too exciting — but I was resigned to the fact that it was my best option. I went to a conference for business, and during one of the dinners, a really attractive, sexy woman at my table began hitting on me like mad. I was so shocked; nothing like that had ever happened to me before. It made my self-confidence skyrocket, and I felt on top of the world. She and I were together that night and a few other times during the conference. I never told my ex about what had happened, but I did end things with her a few months later. After the conference the other woman and I never saw each other again, but the experience gave me the confidence that I could go out and approach interesting, exciting women — I just needed that push."

— Charlie, 33, St. Louis, MO

Reason #8: To fulfill a fantasy

"I once cheated on my girlfriend of six months when a girl I had been pining over for quite some time came on to me. She had been with someone else for a long time, so I knew she was off-limits. I have to admit, I'd still probably do it again; it was like my fantasy finally came true. I broke up with my girlfriend and dated this girl for a while, but we didn't last. Sometimes, the fantasy is better than the reality!"

— Mark, 44, New York, NY

31 things I wish I'd known about dating when I was 21

At 31, dating blogger Mrs Amen Newton looks back and shares 31 dating truths she wishes she had known ten years earlier when she was 21.

I never realized how many opinions I have about dating. I've been dating so long I'm like an octogenarian who feels overly strong about what strawberries should cost or how children should act in public. Anyway, here are some things I've learned in my 31 years, and what I wish I'd known about dating ten years ago:

1. If you're confused about whether a guy likes you or not, that's probably not good. Confusion in romance belongs only in romantic comedies because it suspends the plot, but suspense in real life sucks. So try not to analyze the events. The truth will reveal itself without you having to do anything.

2. Sometimes guys flirt with you or pay attention to you because it makes them feel good about themselves. (Hey, we do it, too.)

3. Even a guy who will admit that you're better looking than him should still be able to tell you you're beautiful. If he holds back in order to control the situation, or to keep you, or keep you down, he's got issues.

4. Don't help him ask you out by texting him something nice or polite. I'm glad you're more outgoing and thoughtful than he is, but he doesn't want the help.

5. Guys want to get busy more than anything. They'll say anything to close the deal.

6. It's shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there's a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you're deaf.

7. It's better not to lift a finger in the beginning.

8. In the early stages, giving him presents is too much. Generosity looks desperate to guys. You may be a great shopper and gift-wrapper; it may be his birthday and you may be wild about birthdays — even still, he'll think you're just wild about him. Too wild.

9. Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I'd had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies.

10. They might take a decade to mature. Don't hope they'll grow up or be ready in the next six months.

11. Even if your family thinks there's going to be a marriage, don't let them spoil your guy. Yes, he's grateful you gave him your car when he moved out of NYC, but he would rather have had to work for it.

12. Learn to cook. Learn to cook well. I see now that it would have won me a lot of points. A LOT.

13. Just because he might be smarter than you or more talented at certain things doesn't mean he's your servant and won't mind doing all your homework/research/chores.

14. Guys get resentful, too.

15. You're special, unique, and important, but you're not a princess — no matter what Daddy says (although for the record, my dad calls me "Erin").

16. It's okay to say no. It's more than okay. It's always okay. If he stops calling (and many, many, many will), you're only weeding out the guys who aren't truly interested in you as a person. Time saved!

Ten Wedding Blunders to Avoid

From blowing your budget on your dress to hiring friends instead of pros, here's a heads up on 10 wedding headaches you can definitely do without.

You know not to book your venue before you set a budget. You even know the differences between addressing inner and outer envelopes. But do you know who should get their hair and makeup done first: you or your bridesmaids? Read on for the answer, plus other no-nos you may not know about.

1. Try not to get attached to your flower choices.

When you book your florist a year before your wedding day, he can only guess which blooms will be available for your wedding. If you have to have, say, asters, you could be disappointed. Instead, choose backups to your main blooms and add them to your contract. Think in terms of colors and shapes instead of specific flowers.

2. Think twice before you send save-the-dates to everyone.

Until you mail out invitations, your guest list isn't final. And it shouldn't be: Friends you're close with when you get engaged may be mere acquaintances by the time you get hitched. Reserve save-the-dates only for those guests you know will be invited, like your families.

3. You will regret it if you skip videography.

Photos only take you so far: Videos let you hear your voice tremble as you say your vows and watch your friends tear up the dance floor. With more people documenting your wedding, you'll see things you may have missed on the day.

4. Be careful not to blow your fashion budget on your dress.

Maybe you have $1,500 set aside for your look. That doesn't mean you can buy a $1,500 gown! Tack on tax, and if you're not buying off the rack, you could get charged for shipping. You might need alterations, too. Consider your undergarments, shoes, hair accessories and jewelry when budgeting as well.

5. Avoid micromanaging your vendors.

You're choosing talented pros who understand your vision, so let them do their jobs! We know it's tempting to control every detail so you're guaranteed to love the results, but you won't have the time, and you certainly don't have the experience your vendors do. After your initial meetings, trust the pros to get it right. And, you know what? They almost always will.

6. Think hard before you pick your attendants.

Your bridesmaids should be your closest friends. Period. They can also be your sisters, cousins, aunts and even your mom, but they have to be people you'd trust to be there when you most need them. You don't know new friends well enough yet to be sure they'll support you in tough situations (every bride encounters one at some point), and picking people because a family member demands it or so you and your man will have an even number of attendants are also decisions you'll likely regret.

7. Please restrain yourself from telling everyone your plans.

It's so hard not to talk about your wedding. Try. The more you share, the more opinions you're going to get about your choices, whether or not you ask for them. Plus, part of wowing your guests is surprising them. If they already know that you're changing into a different dress for dancing or sending guests home with a batch of your grandma's cookies, they won't be quite as impressed on your wedding day. If that's not enough to deter you, talking about your plans means opening yourself up to copycats, who may actually be marrying before you do. The last thing you want is your friend stealing your idea for your surprise grand finale.

8. Seriously, stop booking your salon appointments last.

We get it: You want as much beauty sleep as possible, and you don't want your 'do to fall out or your makeup to fade before you walk down the aisle. But guess what: Busy stylists will likely get to you late if you're last in the chair. Schedule your appointments in the middle of your attendants'. It's not a big deal for a bridesmaid to switch to a less complicated (read: quick) hairstyle if she's pressed for time. That's not an option for you.

9. Don't even think about speeding through photos.

Speaking of not having enough time, any less than an hour isn't enough for a portrait session; an hour-and-a-half is closer to ideal because you'll look more relaxed in your pictures (and those first few never come out as well as you hope). Squeezing photos into the first half-hour of your cocktail hour will make you anything but at ease. If you refuse to see your groom before the ceremony, take pictures separately beforehand so the only shots left to take after the ceremony include both of you.

10. Avoid "hiring" a friend instead of a pro.

Sure, your pal was the king of the mix CD back in the day, but that doesn't mean he'll make a great wedding DJ. Same goes for your friend who won't leave home without her Flip — this doesn't make her a videographer! Even on a tight budget, you're much better off paying a vendor with experience to take care of the biggies, like the music and the food. Don't you want your friends to enjoy your wedding instead of having to work through it, anyway?

4 Things What Men Judge Ladies On

Right or wrong, guys form immediate opinions of you based on some rather unexpected criteria. Here are four seemingly small things that can tell him volumes about you.

When a guy first meets you, he knows you are on your best behavior and will be for a while, so he's looking at certain characteristics that give him quick insight into what you'd be like with your guard down. Here, four things that tell him more than you think.

1. Your Friends
You can work your butt off to come across well — hot outfit, big smile, witty conversation — but you can't do the same for your friends. Dudes know this, so if you're out with pals, men look at them as representatives of all your personality traits — including the not-so-good ones. "I met a girl who seemed sweet at a bar. We chatted, and she invited me to hang with her friends," says Stan, 26. "Within 10 minutes, I realized they were all gossipy drama queens, and I bolted." If your buds aren't on the same win-him-over page as you are, head to your own corner of the bar.

2. Your Laugh
Guys pride themselves on being funny, so they look for girls who can appreciate their sense of humor. However, there's such a thing as laughing too much. "I went out for drinks with one girl who cracked up at everything I said, even if it wasn't funny," says Adam, 27. "It got on my nerves so much that I made an excuse to leave early."

3. Your Drink of Choice
It doesn't matter whether you choose wine, beer, or a cocktail. What matters is that you have a compelling reason for choosing the type of drink ... and wanting to get totally wasted doesn't count. "One night, I met a girl who really appreciated beer," says Joey, 27. "When she explained why she prefers an IPA over a pilsner, I fell in love." Being able to defend your choice shows that you're smart enough to know what you like.

4. Cell-Phone Usage
You're having a great conversation with a guy when you get a text. What you do next — ignore it or write a response before putting the phone on the table so it's easier to get to next time — tells him how you'd treat him in the future. "I met a girl at a coffee shop, and within 15 minutes, her phone rang," says Seth, 33. "She just let it go to voice mail, which made me feel like, at that moment, I was her first priority."

Dating Rules:--- The do’s and dont’s of the world of relationships and dating

No one ever said dating was easy. First dates are awkward, second dates are expectant and the dates that follow that -- during which two people really start getting down to the business of getting to know each other -- present hundreds, if not thousands, of opportunities for missteps, faux pas, blunders and mistakes. That is to say nothing of the myriad chances for problems to which you could fall prey while arranging, planning and preparing for dates.

We call too often or not enough, we're too available or never around, we wear sandals to fancy restaurants, laugh hysterically at bad jokes, show up with blue carnations, gab on our cell phones during dinner and commit countless other dating crimes, mostly without realizing we’re doing it. No doubt about it -- bad dating behavior is a rampant affliction, and it's time to cure it with some common sense advice.

If dating is a game, then just like any other game, there are rules you need to study, learn and follow. After all, you wouldn't take the field without knowing where the base lines are, would you? (For those of you who are immune to ball field metaphors, the answer is "no.") While none of these do's and don'ts are set in stone -- and, as your mother told you, there are obviously exceptions to every rule -- here we attempt to equip you with an idiot-proof playbook for the fast-paced, intense, exciting, full-contact sport of searching for someone with whom to fall in love.

Dating Rules -- Do's

1. Do try to always look your best and be punctual. Showing up late or looking messy gives the impression that you don't care -- and, if that's the case, why go out with this person in the first place?

2. Do try to enjoy yourself on dates. Yes, finding your soul mate is serious business, and it can sometimes even be a scary endeavor, but keep in mind that this is supposed to be fun.

3. Do compliment your date on how he or she looks. Men and women tend to put a lot of effort into getting ready for a date, and it's nice (and flattering) to hear that all that energy paid off.

4. Do be interested and interesting. Ask questions, share insights and pay attention when your date is telling you what they like to do, read, watch, listen to, etc.

5. Do tell someone directly if you're not interested in seeing them again. Lying and stringing people along simply because you're too scared to tell them the truth is selfish and hurtful. If you don't want to go on another date with someone, let them down as gently -- but firmly -- as possible.
6. Do date only people you're attracted to, no matter what your friends say. Approval by your peers doesn't prove a thing.

7. Do stay positive, even when dates don't end well. It is most certainly true that you will date a few frogs before you find a prince. Along the way, you will probably meet some pretty nice people.

8. Do plan ahead. Dating is a creative diversion that requires concentration and energy, so make arrangements ahead of time and let your date know you put some thought into the evening.

9. Do be proactive about finding people to date. The man or woman you've been searching for your whole life is probably not going to come ring your doorbell and beg you to go to dinner anytime soon. Dating requires action, so get out there and meet as many people as you can.

10. Do surround yourself with positive, like-minded people who are dating, too. Part of the fun of dating is celebrating, comparing notes and commiserating with your friends. Surround yourself with positive people who are rooting for you to succeed at love and will be there for you if/when you need emotional support.

Dating Rules -- Don'ts

1. Don't call, text message or email someone you've just started seeing more than once a day unless they reply (or in the event of an emergency). Desperation and instability are major turnoffs.

2. Don't date the kind of people who've hurt you in the past. Many of us are attracted to people who are bad for us, but it's important to break these patterns and seek out healthy relationships with matches who won't demean you or make you feel bad about yourself in any way.

3. Don't be late for a date. It's just rude. If you have to change your plans, give the other person as much notice and consideration as possible. And always apologize.

4. Don't lie to your date or about any aspect of your life, even if the truth isn't as sexy or you're worried they won't like it. It would be awful to ruin a potentially life-changing relationship with your perfect match because of some silly lie you told early on to impress him or her.

5. Don't be too available. We don't mean you should play games, but if you're free every night, you're probably not taking care of yourself, pursuing your own interests and spending time with your friends -- which means you're probably not very interesting to talk to. People with full, exciting lives make the best dates.

6. Don't give away too much about yourself at the beginning. Revealing your innermost secrets on the second date can lead to rejection. Don't be scared to open up, but remember that getting to know someone takes time, and you should let your relationship evolve.

7. Don't check out other people when you're on a date. Ever. This is just tacky. You may think you are subtle, but while you're scoping the cutie in the corner, your date will be heading for the door. Extend your partner the courtesy of concentrating solely on them while you're with them.

8. Don't be rude or get drunk on a date. Courtesy and manners will get you everywhere.

9. Don't ignore your personal safety. Carry your cell phone and keep it charged -- and make sure to tell your friends where you're going and when you'll be back. First dates should take place in well-lit public places. Don't ever let yourself be coerced into going anywhere or doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.

10. Don't give out personal information like your home phone number or address on the first date. Keep these details to yourself until you trust the person you're dating.

11. Don't have sex on a first date. If you like someone and are interested in getting to know them better (and possibly having a relationship), sex on a first date will likely ruin everything. It's much too soon, it's not romantic and it communicates to the other person that you're more interested in their physical characteristics than in finding out who they are.

12. Never date a married person. Statistically, it is very unlikely that they will ever leave their husband or wife for you. Dating someone who's married is the best way to serve yourself a heaping helping of misery, lies, deceit, sadness and heartache. If you are married, separate before dating. If you're single, don't be a shoulder to cry on -- you deserve better. Go out and find someone who's emotionally (and legally) available to you!

Tips for More Confidence: Boost your self-esteem and date more often

To date successfully as a man or woman, you need to increase your confidence level. Some things are easy to change, while other idiosyncrasies will take some practice. One thing is certain: Nothing can be achieved without trying. If you never leave the house because you don't feel so great about yourself, then unless you use an Internet dating service, no one is going to come to you. Follow these tips give your confidence a boost, whether you're a single man or single woman:

Establish whether you're truly ready to meet someone new. If so, then proceed. If not, take your time.
Make a list addressing all the things you are not comfortable with about yourself. Be brutally honest.
Establish which things you think people may not like about you and make a list. Get a second opinion, too.
Address the way you look and the way you dress.
Change the things you think you can do better
By changing the most basic aspects of your looks, lifestyle and regime, you will instantly feel more confident. You will have a new you.
Ensure you are comfortable with any changes you make.
Make sure you are in shape or attempting to be. If you are dieting or exercising, remember to be patient as these changes will take a little while.
Your confidence will grow as you feel better about yourself and others will sense it.
Start to change the routines that drag you down. If you associate with people who criticize you, lose them fast.
Start doing the things you wish you had always had the courage to do, like a hobby, sport or society. Don't look back.
Learn to enjoy the smaller things in life and give yourself time specifically for these things. If you like to cook for friends, then start having dinner parties. Don't wait for others to invite you out.
Stop accepting second best. Start making yourself the first priority.
By looking and feeling good about yourself and widening your horizons, your life will begin to change for the better and your confidence levels will go up.
Be selective about what kind of person you really like. And by the same token, talk to everyone. The more people who are interested, the higher your confidence levels.
Start dating. If someone asks you out, accept.
Set yourself some life goals as well as romantic goals. Other people love to be associated with driven and goal-orientated people. Confidence breeds confidence.
Be proactive and ask someone out. Just do it, and accept freely that some people will say no. Many will also say yes.
Learn to like and love yourself for who you are and what you want from your life. Do not allow negative family comments to influence you in any way.
Make conversation with the nice people you meet along the way.
Become sociable and look good at every opportunity. Be your own best advert.
Remember that your confidence levels will become sky high by people saying yes to you. This will happen when you select the right kind of dates, so keep a realistic approach to dating.
Walk away from anything you don't like and instill a positive mental attitude in everything you do.
Stick with it and just keep going. Don't go back to what there was before. That's over.

Be Prepared: Put in some effort and show your date you care!

A strange topic to discuss you may say. No I think it is a very important to discuss preparing to date. If you are going to involve yourself in other people's lives by asking them to dinner and wanting to get to know them then the least you can do is make sure you are ready to this. I have encountered people who a little while into a relationship suddenly announce that they are not ready, or that it is all too soon, or they were unprepared. Maybe you have heard that too.

It is easy to dismiss such instances as people on the rebound, or making excuses but the fact is, about 33% of all people on the dating scene are not really prepared for dating and are free styling it. Some people may be on the rebound from a previous relationship, they may be looking for an escape route, or most likely they are panicking because of the new set of emotions they are facing, often unexpectedly.

Being prepared to date means making sure that mentally you are ready to meet new people and accept into the bargain that you may get on well and even fall in love. Prepare to be scared, prepare to be frightened, prepare to open yourself up to emotions and prepare to fall in love guys. Because if you don't , you are wasting your time and worse, the time of other people.



You do not have the preordained right to play with the emotions of people, and you don't have the right to hurt their feelings. When someone accepts a date or asks you on a date, it is because they like you and want to get to know you better. If you are not able to open yourself up to this level of interest then you are not ready to get involved an begin dating properly. I reckon that at least a third of all dates are mistakes. They are time spent with people who simply don't want to open up and love or be loved which is why you must choose your dates carefully.

Please make sure that when preparing to date, you are really and truly over a past relationship. Dating people just to feel better about yourself will only hurt others and make you feel worse. Getting over a previous relationship can take some time and though very different, has many of the same attributes as bereavement. Be careful not to begin dating again too soon in the hope that it will pick you up. Whilst a new love can get you over your ex, you must already be some way down the line from the ex before you can let go of the past. The danger here is that you can begin comparing at every turn and ultimately panic when the new relationship goes too far too soon. Take your time and be ready first.

The danger with trying to date too soon after a previous relationship has ended is that dating should be great fun. To be on top form and be in great humor you need to be feeling very positive. This is truly essential to date successfully. Consequently when not over a previously partner, the hammer makes you feel guilty and you immediately find your mind wandering to times gone past. In turn this comes across in dates very quickly and it will be obvious to your new date that all is not well. No one dating wants to date people with emotional baggage so it is essential that you move on as soon as you feel able.

Take some time before beginning dating people to work out things about yourself. What are your strong point and what are your weaknesses. What do you think people will pick up about you that you could maybe improve. What do you like talking about, how are you when chatting on dates, how organized are you, how do you come across to others and so on. Preparation means making sure you come across well to people. This is particularly important if you have been out of the dating game for some time. It is crucial that you do everything you can to feel confident and good about yourself and even more important to be ready to handle some rejection. You are going to have to reject and be rejected before you reach the promised land.

Make sure you are over your last relationship
Make sure you want to have a relationship
Make sure you are prepared to be honest about your aims
Make sure that you are emotionally ready
Make sure that you are able to tell the truth
Make sure you are able to handle some rejection
Make sure your perspective is right
Make sure you are being serious
Make sure you know what your dating aims are
Make sure your confidence levels are reasonably high
Make sure you are looking your best
Make sure you are of positive mind
Make sure you are prepared to wait to meet the right person
Try not to compare new dates to your ex
Be prepared to take a fresh approach to dating
Remember that on all occasions dating should be fun

Remember that when getting into the dating scene you need to be strong and have your wits about you. You need to be on form and in positive mood. You need to be ready to have fun and be entertaining and able to give of yourself. To do this you need to be emotionally prepared so do what you can for yourself before walking out onto the dating field. Be prepared to date.

First Impressions: Look Good When Dating

Look your best and you'll have a better chance of snagging another date

In you stroll, looking hot in that new dress or skirt with the Manolo's or Jimmy Choo shoes. You know you look good -- after all, it cost you a fortune. You are feeling confident due to the way you are looking and you know others can see it too. Does that ring true? Well maybe, maybe not. On the other hand, in you stroll, black Armani or Hugo Boss suit, Italian leather shoes, handmade shirt. You are feeling good, you are feeling successful and you are feeling confident. Yes, my friends, in this fatuous day and age we are what we wear.

This is not to say that we need to spend a King's ransom on the latest designer gear, fashions, style and hand crafted luxury wear from Italy or wherever. But when we dress well we feel good, we believe we look good and we feel we can do anything we choose. So when dating, it's important to look good because if you do, you will feel good too. Good style means a good level of confidence.

Forget arguing about body shape and expense in your defense against my argument here, it doesn't wash. You can look stylish and classic whatever your shape within reason and whatever your budget. Black will always be classic and well tailored clothes will always look a cut above the rest. I cannot walk down any high street or through any mall these days without being inundated with a sense of style. Everywhere we look there are shops desperate to dress you well. The fact that you don't choose to go in them is not the point. Therefore turning up for your first date in a comfy sweatshirt or sports top may make you feel relaxed but it shows absolute contempt for your date who has spent the best part of the last two hours getting ready for your squalid self. Get a grip man.

While our female readership doesn't need a lecture in self presentation generally, our male readership often does. The first thing for men to remember is that a woman will judge you by looking straight down at your shoes. You may not see what the fuss is about but she may as well be looking straight past your shoes, all the way down to hell. The fact is, the truth is in the detail. You have washed and scrubbed up well, but casting a more detailed glance over you and the small discrepancies are soon revealed. Missing cufflinks, tie all over the place, missing shirt button etc. All mean that deep down either you are a deeply wild and windswept sex god or you are a disaster in the making who has no idea of style and presentation. If you can't dress yourself buddy, what makes you think you can undress her?

But shoes are the biggest giveaway because men think of them as practical necessities that are comfortable rather than looking at the style involved. It is obvious what is classic and in fashion right now, simply turn your eyes and look through the window of the nearest ubiquitous show store. Once you have bought them, ensure they match the rest of the outfit. No don't mix brown with black and if shoeshine cream is as rare as diamonds in your apartment then get back to the shop and sort it out. Good shoes mean that you have attention to detail, she has seen and she has noted!

Men often make the mistake of thinking that the woman is relaxed and kind of a casual gal so he doesn't need to go mad when meeting up. He can be smart but casual. The bad news is most men are casual, not smart but casual. It doesn't happen in my experience. Men have no idea at all what is like to get ready as a woman. The fact that you look subtle and classically understated is lost on a man. He thinks it took you 5 minutes to get ready. He has no idea. Which is why he threw on the white shirt that needed an iron and a pair of casual trousers in such a carefree fashion.

Do not believe GQ-style magazines, however marvelous they are. While there is a small core of very well dressed men out there, they are not the norm. Take your average guy shopping to the mall on a Saturday afternoon and see how long he lasts. Whilst men have a better idea about appearance and do know some label makes and names, they are still eons behind women. But all is not lost. A man with a career can sort himself out in a few easy steps, he simply needs to get his wallet out.

Every man over the age of 25 should have a black, classic, single-breasted, good-quality suit together with the same in navy blue. He should have a casual jacket and a collection of plain colored well made cotton shirts. He should have three pairs of good quality leather shoes, in black and brown and they should be modern and in good condition. A man should have a good quality masculine watch. This is very important as it is possibly the only piece of jewelry a man may ever display. Okay a watch is a timepiece and a necessity but it speaks volumes about you. Some women have expressed a liking for men with large masculine sports watches, but whatever you do wear, it should be a classic as it will speak volumes about your taste.

You should always carry on you a good quality leather wallet that is not stuffed with receipts, preferably in black which you always wear within a jacket pocket, not stuffed into a pocket of your trousers. Whilst you may begin to think I am trying to describe James Bond, you are not far wrong. You can do far worse than to watch a Bond movie to get a sense of class and style. Neither am I suggesting that you alter your image from that which is really you. But as we are discussing first impressions, then you will need to think carefully about the way you do present yourself.

I can only think of a handful of men in my lifetime who do smart but casual well. For many men, it means jeans and a crumpled shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Take a good look about you and think long and hard about your current image and get some feedback from female friends as to how they really perceive your look. You may get a nasty shock. If you are pleasantly surprised then you are on your way.

Looking good is important, as is feeling comfortable. However along with this you should smell good. For men, Aftershave and cologne of a high quality are essential, and the less mainstream the better. For a start, if it is not one of the perennial brands then your date may not have smelled the scent before and will find it unusual and possibly attractive. She will most certainly notice. This is all part of making a good impression. It shows you have made an effort for her and you care. More than one Aftershave is good, a lemon based on for day wear and a heavier woody cologne for the evening with a hint of musk. But always consult and test because many Aftershaves do not suit some types of skin. So spray and then walk round the store before deciding.

Looking and smelling good is not a one-off situation. For second and subsequent dates you need to keep up the good work so I am not recommending your first impression-making attempts are not really you. Take a long hard look at your current image and begin to change things for the better if necessary. And certainly for the long term. Finally, remember that your efforts will be appreciated even if nothing is ever said. In one short phrase, first impressions count.

How to tell when the when Love is More than Just a Date-- Instant Love

How do we know when the person we have begun to date is more than just another date on our ever-growing list of nameless faces and faceless names? After all, surely we need some identifying features to root out the wheat from the chaff. Is this person we have seen 6 of 7 times just good fun or do we really think they have the qualities to become relationship material? To answer your own question you need to know who you are looking for and what characteristics are attractive to you and then try and stick to them. If you are dating the right kind of people for you and not just filling gaps in your diary then this may get you off to a good start.

Much of what determines your commitment to your date in the first few days and weeks is a combination of intuition, extra sensory perception (feelings) and what you care to see with your own eyes. If you are desperately lonely and want to meet anyone then anyone will do and this article is irrelevant. If, however, you are more choosey which I suspect deep down you all are, then you will want to tray and detect and then reassure yourself that you haven't just made an awful mistake.

The first thing you should do after the first couple of dates is take a step back and be honest with yourself as to how you are truly feeling. Have you been swept off your feet, are you relieved they are nice, are you blown away by their good looks, can you handle the first few peculiarities you have spotted in them and although they are cute now, will they be in 40 years. Can you see yourself with them 10 years down the line. Can you picture them older. Do they make you feel alive because before you were bored or do they make you feel alive because they are dynamite.

Do you hang on their every word, wait for the next meeting with baited breath? Do you find yourself abandoning your old routine and new horizons opening up. Can you still eat or has your appetite gone. Have you been shopping to may yourself look fresh and hot. Do you find yourself getting in at 4am from a date and do you find yourself having any sleepless nights with your mind full of excited thoughts.

Do you find yourself anxious and panicking. Do you find yourself questioning the intensity of how you are feeling. Are you finding your feelings fully reciprocated. Is there a clear sense of communication between you. Do you actually have similar opinions and tastes or do you care? Do you want to spend all your time with them now or do you find that you are worried your current lifestyle is being compromised more than you would like. Are you doing the calling or are they and how does this make you feel?

In other words, start analyzing the situation as you see it and be bold. Be critical and look at where you are finding yourself being led. If you are happy and content with all the major questions then keep going because you may have just chosen well. If you find on the other hand that you have some small niggling doubts then don't push these thoughts away as they aren't going anywhere, they will just become amplified over time.

The main issue is one of whether you trust your new date and whether you believe what you are being told. It is amazing how many girls I meet how say that strangely they haven't been allowed to see where he lives, or are not quite sure what he does for a living or how much he earns or where his parents live. This isn't an enigma factor ladies, it is a sure sign that all is not quite right. There may be some perfectly valid reasons why things are concealed from you in the first few weeks so don't push things too far. You may not yet have earned the right to know everything about your new love. At the same time, you should feel that the possibility of finding everything important out is imminent. Evasive behavior is exactly that - untrustworthy and your alarm bells should ring.

Trusting your imagination is very important. If you can see yourself with that person in all kinds of situations then you may have chosen well. It is important to creatively imagine how you think you will be together in various scenarios, from being on vacation, to being married, to maybe having children to being older. In doing so you get a sense of how things might work out or might not. If you really can't see yourself with them long term then maybe better to cut your losses whilst you can.

Conversation is critical in establishing if things feel right. Sex does not disguise any problems eventually although sex is a good temporary fix. If your relationship is based on sex then its great whilst it lasts but I doubt that it will last. People say that opposites attract and that is true in that you bring different experiences and opinions to the relationship but the foundation of being a great couple is on a deeper, more critical level of respect and understanding. I find that couples with similar outlooks on life do well together because they have built a support system for each other which requires little explanation. It is called a common understanding. This sometimes explains why couples from certain regions, places, or faiths have better success than the melting pot luck of a big city.

Ultimately if you compliment each other and you find that your new love brings to the relationship most of the essential qualities that you really do hold most dear then you are in a strong position for relationship success. If there are some basic flaws but you are having a good time anyway enjoy yourself but know that the person you are with is for now and not for the future.

Confidence in Dating -Why You Should Become More Confident

I once read the results of a survey in a leading woman's magazine that said the number 1 most attractive quality in a man was confidence. Not arrogance, confidence. It took some time to sink in as to what this really meant. Did it mean grabbing the girl in matinee idol pose and whisking her backwards whilst I kissed those luscious lips of hers? Did it mean turning into a caveman never taking no for an answer? Did it mean turning up at the door of the girl next door and whisking her off to Paris for the weekend, though we had hardly spoken? What did they mean by confidence? The quest was on it find out.

Every woman I have asked will answer in a different vein so the answer isn't all things to all men. Confidence, it appears, is in the eye of the beholder. Even worse, confidence can easily be misconstrued so one has to tread carefully. The point is not confidence itself, but it’s easier to define by its opposite, fear. Fear in men is not attractive. Fear defines a man as not knowing his own value, lacking a feeling of self worth, not being sure of his abilities, lacking in presence and determination. This I may add is very different from justifiable fear that we all face.

Okay, back to confidence. Men are attractive when they are confident said one friend. Another told me, "ooh a confident man makes me go weak at the knees". So I pressed them further. A confident man it seems is one who carries with him a self-assuredness that is most definitely not arrogance. It is a state where a man feels sure of himself and his abilities, knows what he is about, knows himself for what he can do,, what he may be able to do, what he may fail at but does not fear to try. A confident man is in control of his destiny, his future, his career, his day. And to many women that is very attractive.

After all, a woman is looking for a partner, one who will not only match with her mentally and physically, but someone who can drive her onwards, someone who has ambition and vitality, someone who can pass hi self assuredness on to her. A man who is confident is sexy because he is comfortable with himself, he is in control and he is able to make decisions, good decisions. He is confident in the choices he makes and in choosing you (maybe really you selected him), he passes this feeling of being special on to you. Being selected by the right man can be very sexy indeed.

If you are going to date the beauty in the corner and father her children then running away is not a good start, neither is feeling bad about yourself and failing to be able to hold a decent conversation. Far too many men decide in advance of an approach if they are worth of a woman's attentions or not. All too often they believe they are not. Except where alcohol is involved. Men in bars exude confidence, but they also exude beer breath as well! No the fact is that guys who lack confidence prejudge most situations and inevitably take themselves out of the dating fray before it ever happens, hoping, strangely, that the woman will make the first move.

The fact is, the confident men more often than not get the girl, because the confident man has something about him. I know plenty of good looking handsome men who are afraid to approach women so it’s not necessarily about looks. No, it’s about something within. Confidence is about self respect and self understanding. It comes from understanding what you yourself are about and when this happens a sexy man reaches out. Often lack of confidence in men is because of physique and yet it is an issue so easy to fix. 12 weeks in a gym will change a man's life. A fit man is a confident man. Dress is also something that instills confidence. No man has an excuse for not dressing reasonably smart these days as fashion for men is everywhere.

Ultimately we all lose confidence from time to time. People can take our confidence away at work or at home, in partnerships and on our own. Ultimately though these are passing phases. If a man can do one thing for himself in the dating game, that is to learn about his own confidence levels in an honest way and then go about doing something to increase them. Feel good about yourself guys and someone will feel good about you.

Making Eye Contact as a Dating Essential

Look 'em in the eye when you're on the lookout for love
Here is a fact, people don't make eye contact. They should and they do look at each other, but they look away when the other person looks back. Look at the commuters on a subway platform or in a subway carriage. They look at anything except each other. They use devices such as ads and books and papers so that they don't look at each other. Why? Because when we look at each other and make eye contact something very personal happens. It is as if we can see inside each other and see what they are thinking. It is the opening to a conversation. Looking at strangers is a personal introduction.

Good, I am glad we have that out of the way. Because if we accept that we need to look at strangers to introduce ourselves, why then do we find ourselves not able to look people we find attractive in the eye? Well the answer may lie in the fact that we are scared when looking that we will instantly see disapproval for our glances and will be rejected. Being rejected affects our self-confidence levels so by not looking we protect ourselves.

We can glance from afar, even stare and appreciate, as long as they are not looking back. We can check out legs, hair, breasts, chest, ass, anything we can see, but we will then store that image instantly so that we can appreciate without getting caught. The instant the look back, we look away, and allow any form of appreciation in return. This leads to the glancing and return-glances scenario that forms the basic ritual of demonstrating interest.

Usually, one person , let's say in a bar, sees someone they like and will check them out. Eye contact is made for the briefest instant and is followed by looking away. Glances will be made in either direction until eventually, if the feeling in both parties is mutual, the gaze will be held longer and this is then followed by a courtesy smile. Now, at this stage, approval being made via eye contact, it is time to do something about it. But in most cases, nothing happens. Why? Because the fear factor sets in and the man (usually the man) is put off by making a proper approach because she is in a group. A confident man will return the gaze and then move in.

The problem arises, that a man believes he has mistaken the glances and eye contact as accidental and will make mental excuses for this and then not make an approach. And the moment is lost. She may look at you once again as she moves on to another destination with friends. But unless you meet again in different circumstances you have lost because you showed yourself as having no wish to move in. Consequently you come across as a timid person. Fail.

So, men and women need to start knowing how to look at others and then know how to interpret eye contact correctly. First of all you need to begin by looking people in the eye and get used to it. Its no good looking oat the ground and then follow up with sly glances when they are not looking. Look at people and learn to smile at them. You may only be making new friends but who cares, get used to looking and being looked at. Being shy is not the way to a persons heart. Think of the expression "love at first sight" It's never going to happen if you don't get caught looking. As a man, should you look at a woman's breasts and get caught. Sure you should. Don't make it excessive, but if someone looks good, its nice to be appreciated, even if its just momentary and fleeting.

An old friend once told me that she found it difficult to look at men now she was single because an ex boyfriend had been so possessive that she had always looked at the ground when they were out. It took her years to learn to make eye contact with strangers again. So I can appreciate difficulties with eye contact. Shyness is another debilitating factor. Many of us are shy by degrees and making eye contact isn't always easy but we should start practicing. Many are the people who had admirers but never knew it, simply because they never looked.

Another strange phenomenon is the common anxiety in people that when people look at them, they think it is an aggressive stance, not a friendly introduction. Men are often accused at staring at each other followed by the aggressive opener "what are you looking at !" Men with low self-esteem can view women in a similar vein by thinking that if a woman is looking at them, there must be something wrong. Women can feel insecure in the same way by men making eye contact with them.

A very interesting scenario occurred in the summer of 1996 when I was in a bar in Manchester, England and a gay friend of mine could instantly tell me which of the barmen were gay. I wanted to know the secret. Well he said that if you meet a girl you like, you will hold her gaze for a second or two longer than if you were talking to a man. As gay men were looking at you in the same way you look at a woman, he said, then the gay barman will look at you in a similar way by holding your gaze. I have tried this many times since to prove his point and it really does appear to work. What we learn from this is that eye contact is the way to instant attraction indication.

Then of course we have the physiological aspects to eye contact. Pupil dilation and the following of the eyes. On a date which is going well watch the eyes of your date carefully. If she or he is attracted to you, their eyes will dilate (get bigger) and they will hold your gaze as long as possible. But in the instant attraction scenario with a stranger across a crowded room, remember that the quick occasional glances will indicate initial interest so act upon it.

In summary, get used to looking at people and make deliberate eye contact with people you like. Try it in a shop, store or anywhere where you meet strangers. Try and hold the gaze of someone with a nice smile and watch the reaction. You will be surprised. I keep coming back to the same key ingredient in dating. Confidence. Eye contact means confidence and the more you practise, the better you will get. Finally, always remember that not everyone you meet will be attracted to you, so expect some glances never to be returned. Making eye contact is fun.

Bad Guys, do they Always Get the Girl?

When Mr. Nice loses out to Mr. Naughty in the dating game

If we are to believe the movies, the ruthless tough guy always gets the girl. And didn't it seem that the bad boys at school always had the hottest babes? The best looking girls always seem to love the bad guys. Maybe because the best looking guys always became the bad guys? Everywhere we tend to see bad guys and nice girls. We see fools and meatheads with the girls of our fantasies. In the mall we see our flaxen haired goddesses with America's Most Wanted. Is it nature at work, is it us, what has gone awry?

Men are confused. We like to refer to stereotypes and work from them. Men are told that we need to be a hero and a tough guy. But then we are told we need to be in touch with our sensitive sides. Meanwhile the man down the street who treats his girlfriends like crap, never calls, is rude and disrespect appears to have a fan club developing. Life, my friends, can seem unfair. But let's look at what is going on with this scenario.

Interest. Bad guys are interesting, they do interesting things. They have strayed from the straight-and-narrow and have developed their own code of conduct. They do what they want. They go where they want. They answer to no one. They are, in other words, fascinating. Tow the line, do as you are told and inevitably you will be become dull. Mavericks are interesting, straight guys are not.

Bad guys are confident and self assured. They know what they're about and don't really care what others think. They are their own men and don't need others to prop them up. Bad guys don't have to be in shape, just look at James Galdofini from The Sopranos, who is immensely attractive despite his rotund appearance. Some can become almost caricaturesof themselves, but that doesn't make them any less attractive.


Plus bad guys are a challenge. We all love a challenge, and women may love a challenge even more than the boys. If something is a challenge, the end results must surely be worthwhile, right? The girls who go after bad guys want to find the pot of gold at the end of crazy rainbow. They will go to great lengths to solve their mysteries. And once they have them, once they've conquered the challenge, they don't want to let go. Plus it makes for an exciting rollercoaster ride because the bad guy could walk away at any moment. The greater the danger of loosing a bad guy, the greater the effort they'll put forth to keep them. And there may be a lesson there.

What do we have if we combine these facets? Power, strength of character, confidence, a maverick nature and an immensely interesting personality equals sexiness. That is exactly what the bad boy is, so it's no surprise that this type of guy often get the gal. It doesn't mean to say that we like them, and it doesn't mean it is fair or even a good thing, but raw attraction can be nature's way.

I am not in any way suggesting that we should all be Mr. Bad Guy. Not at all. What I am saying is that there are lessons to be learned here. What is attractive can be modified and added to our arsenal of dating weaponry. How you perceive yourself that matters the most. If you can increase your confidence levels, get your career on the right tracks, excel in what you do and be your own man within the confines of your working life, then you'll get that bad boy confidence. And that attitude will boost your attractiveness. You don't need to go around being bad, but you can be a bit more deliberate in your actions, a little less available and a little more enigmatic. This will boost your interest factor and again help in your attractiveness.

The modern dating game is highly complex and courting rituals can be a minefield. Go back to basics, analyze what is it that you think potential partners would like and think about how can you match of yourself to those qualities. Changing just a few small things could make the world of difference.

A Practical Guide To Being in love online

More and more people these days are finding love online be it due to time constraints, unsociable working hours or simply the death of the community, but one thing is for sure, this is the fastest growing way to meet potential partners, however it has it's pitfalls. Whilst online dating agencies may offer a quick way to meeting these partners, Instant Messaging using programs such as ICQ, MSN, or Odigo offer a lightning speed way of getting very intimate, very quickly. It is so quick because you can be just who you want to be when you are chatting online, no one will see you blush if you say something wrong and most importantly, it allows you to take risks that you would never dream of taking in the real world. The most powerful aspect of this all though is that we paint our own picture in our minds of what the other person is without all those non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and mannerisms that subconsciously in the real world tell us valuable things about the person. In short, with our own beautifully created perception of the person, fall for them. So why do we as intelligent human beings end up falling for people we have never even met before? The answer is simplewe want to be in love, we so want to tell ourselves that the searching for our soul mate is over and with that we picture our lives in a blissful sea of coupledom, sharing our lives together. Sadly it is this haste to end our single lives that can lead to disappointment as quickly as it started.

Meeting Your online love for the first time

Sooner or later the question of actually meeting in person will come up and whilst many people would say it's better to take your time and let the online relationship develop, I strongly believe that the sooner you do it, the better. If you leave it too long, then the impression you have built up of this person will be so deep rooted that your expectations will be far too high and you will be set for disappointment. The other point is if you have been a lot more confident chatting than you would be in real life, how are you going to be able to keep up that persona? You may end up competing with yourself. So assuming that you are both happy with the length of time the romance has been going on for and you decide to meet, what will it be like? It will be quite strange to begin with. You may find that although you have been up most nights until 5 in the morning chatting, you find it hard to talk about things in the flesh. This is perfectly natural as the two of you are having to almost re-learn the parameters of the relationship and digest the visual cues that our mannerisms and facial expressions provide. It will be a nerve racking time as we have to decide there and then if these mannerisms and even physical odours are compatible with us. If you can pass that first test, then things get a lot easier. Do however be very careful if you are traveling abroad to meet someone because if things fail at this first hurdle, then you are totally stuck on your own in a foreign country.

Passed first base, what next?

Having gone through this initial nerve racking first meeting, there is often a huge temptation to revert back to an 'online relationship' as it feels so much more comfortable, but I cannot stress enough to resist that temptation. Slip back into the old online chatting routine and the online persona won't die. The transition from online to offline relationship can be extremely difficult but at all costs, you must get to know the real person from a new offline perspective and kill off any false impressions you may have had about them online. Going back to the online chatting routine may make you feel all warm and fuzzy again, but it can be an unrealistic perception of who the person really is.

In Summary

This all may seem a little negative and in some cases may not even apply, but overall, forewarned is forearmed. There are of course many people who have made a success of their relationship by Instant Messaging and some are even married now but it really pays to be aware of how feelings can be distorted by the shield of an anonymous nickname and a computer monitor.

what happened?....It was going so well...?....what happened?....

There seems to be a new phenomenon of late whereby a first date seems to go extremely well and may well lead on to a second date and then all of a sudden it's over. Why would this happen when everything seemed so right? The chemistry was there, shared interests and the kissing was good too so what happened? I wish I had an answer to this one as it has happened to me a couple of times and each time it has left me pondering how many different variables are involved in making a successful relationship. I do however have some theories that may at least ease the pain of the rejection.

Firstly, people are complicated when it comes to issues of the heart and to the most part we have spent many years cultivating in our heads just what our ideal partner would be. These expectations we have of people can put an enormous strain on a forming relationship and it is important to give people a little leeway. Understandably, people do make allowances for failed expectations however the truth is that a little too much wine can lower our expectations a little too much and make us act in a way that is not true to our real feelings. It's only when the date is over and the effects of alcohol subside do we realize that the person really isn't suitable at all.

Secondly, most people have some sort of emotional baggage whether that takes the form of an unresolved previous relationship or emotional fear of becoming attached again. I have often wished that people could be more up front about any concerns like this but often they are not and unfortunately, people find it easier to lie themselves out of a difficult emotional situation.

Thirdly, an old boyfriend or girlfriend wants them back and your date was in a sense using you to see if they are up to starting another relationship or not. This situation is probably the worst as you will find it extremely difficult to compete with someone your date has history with. On old partner will not require all the time and effort involved in starting again and represents a comfortable way out of the dating scene.

Finally, and possibly the most difficult to swallow is that perhaps you were just too keen and got a little carried away. It's such a hard balancing act to do, knowing when the time is right to open up your emotions to someone and yet be sure that you're not making yourself too vulnerable. It's even harder when all the signals are telling you that it's ok to be swept away, especially if the date has taken on quite an intimate nature.

So what can you do now? The most sensible thing you can do is to reflect on what has happened and file it away in your experience drawer in the safe knowledge that you are that much wiser on the dating scene. Take it slower next time and don't be too quick to allow yourself to fall. Be sure the signs are right and trust your instincts. If there is a niggling doubt in your mind about something, generally there is something wrong and it's only the ecstasy of falling in love that is preventing you from facing it.

Relationship Advice When Dealing with Unfinished Business

In order to start meeting people, its best if most resentments from the past are eliminated, first. For many singles this is a piece of relationship advice that may be an enormous challenge, but the courage and openness it takes to deal with any unfinished business in your emotional history will create the kind of space in your life required to invite in someone new.
To better understand the unfinished business in your life, review the following questions, keeping in mind the people’s names that come out of this list may not necessarily be just former partners:

· Is there anyone I need to apologize to, send thanks, or seek resolution with?

 · What resentment, anger, fear, hurt, grief, or pain comes to mind when thinking of people I’ve had any kind of relationship with?
· If a friend were to mention someone’s name in passing, would there be a negative physical response to their name coming up in conversation? For instance your heart sinks or something gets caught in your throat.

· Are there any conclusions I’ve made about who I am as a person from these interactions that require further investigation?

Depending on your past experiences, your answers to these questions may be brief or lengthy. Don’t be surprised if the list of people increases as you work through this unfinished business or have more time to ponder them.

Unfinished Business: Making Apologies
If you’ve held on to guilt about a specific relationship or something you did for a number of years, wouldn’t it be a relief to let that burden go? Even if you have no interest in making contact with this person again (or can’t because they’ve moved away or passed on), there are many ways to say you’re sorry that have enough meaning for you to move on with your life. Writing a detailed apology on a piece of paper that you later burn, enshrine, or put into a helium-filled balloon and let waft into the sky are all ideas to try.

Unfinished Business: Dealing with Conflicts Not Yet Resolved
Go back and look at the questions you answered in part one, and prioritize the people that you want to clear the air with in order of the most straightforward to deal with to the most difficult or complex. Then, write a letter to this person telling them you’d like to meet. Your letter could be something as simple as,

“You’ve been on my mind of late, and I feel strongly that we need to get together to talk about what happened. Please know that I have no intentions here other than to talk and try to come to terms with our conflicts. I’d like nothing more for both of us to be able to think of the other without any negative feelings.”

Send your letter to the first person on your list, keeping in mind it may come as a shock to the receiver. If they don’t respond in a couple of weeks, then take the time to write out everything you wanted to say to them in person so that at least you can move on. Or, if the person asks for no contact whatsoever, write the letter anyway and dispose of it using a method that both honors the intended receiver and your memory of them.

Don’t forget to include the following ideas and thoughts in your letter:

· Anything the other person did to make you feel loved, appreciated, special, or anything else positive that came from the interaction;

· What you learned from your relationship with this person;

· Any qualities you appreciate in this person; and

· Whether or not you want to leave the door open for further interactions or not.

Unfinished Business: Grieving
You’ll know that you’ve grieved to completion about a person or a relationship when you can remember the experience with only peace in your heart. This also means not feeling intense loneliness night upon seeing your empty bed or crying when finding something of theirs unexpectedly.

Each person grieves on their own timeline and in their own way. There are no guidelines to follow, only the knowledge that when you’ve worked through your grief you’ll be a better person for the experience.

How to kiss passionately

A lot of people are still virgins when it comes to kissing. A lot of people can kiss but don't know how to kiss properly. Here are the basics to kissing. Once you have mastered kissing then you can try other styles and techniques of kissing.

1. Hygiene - The last thing anyone wants is to be kissed by someone who has yellow teeth or bad breath. Brush your teeth twice a day and floss to get in-between the gaps. Your partner will love to be kissed by you if your moth is clean and fresh.

2. Get into a comfortable position - You don't want to have to stop a few seconds into kissing because your back is twisted. Sitting comfortable means no back pain and longer kissing.

3. Embrace your partner - But don't squeeze him/her. Cuddling each other so that your faces are touching is perfect. You could cup your partners face gently in your hands.

4. Move your faces closer - Don't bump noses. Both of you must tilt your head slightly to the side so that your nose is touching the side of the other's nose.

5. Kiss your partners lips gentle - Closed lips kissing to start with. Close your eyes and let the warmth of each others lips take over your senses.

6. Get comfortable with simple closed lip - Lip-to-lip kissing before going anywhere else.

7. Lightly brush your tongue across your partners lips - This will entice him/her to open their mouth.

8. Now both of your mouths should be open - Now it is up to you. Move your mouths in time with each other opening them and slightly closing them in rhythm with one another.

9. Whatever you do, don't bite.

10. Continue kissing - Until you are comfortable with each other's lips.

11. You could of course use a mirror - Which may be a lot easier and a lot less scary then kissing someone for the first time when you don't know how to kiss.

Ten nice ways to be romantic

When we have been in relationships for a while the romance seems to dwindle and both parties in the relationship think that the other should be more romantic. You read so often that the man should be the romantic one, and maybe 50 years ago this would have been so but this is no longer the case. Think back to when you first met. The first dates, wining and dining, making an effort to look your best, breakfast in bed, long weekends having frantic sex. Don’t you wish it was the same? Well I bet your partner also does. Instead of waiting for him to make the first move (after all we know how slow men are. No offence guys) YOU take the lead and add a bit of romance into your relationship.

Here are ten ways to show off your romantic side.


1. Pick up the phone:
 Give him a ring while he is at the office just to let him know that you are thinking of him. Or if you are confident with phone sex tell him what you are going to do to him once he gets home and in turn what you would like him to do to you.

2. Fill the stocking:
Men love sexy lingerie just as much as women if not more. Let him know how much you want him by getting out your best knickers, team them with a pair of fishnets, stilettos and seduce him tonight.

3. Feed his heart:
You know the old saying "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!" Well you better believe it because it works every time. Get out the best china, set the table with candles, put on some soft music and prepare his favorite meal. You won?t even need to think of dessert because this is where he will become romantic and sweep you of to the bedroom.

4. Flirt:
When was the last time you actually flirted with your partner? Go out in public (to dinner, to a party or nightclub) and try it. It will boost both your egos and bring back those old feelings of lust for one another. Think like a single person and see what happens.

5. Bedroom boudoir:
 Set the mood in your bedroom. Clear out all the clutter, change the bed linen (bring in some silk sheets perhaps) and fill the room with scented candles. Stand a bottle of your favorite bubbly in some ice, lay your sexiest lingerie on the bed and keep a box of his favorite chocolates nearby. This is also an inexpensive way to give your bedroom a new look.

6. Use toys:
If you want to add some spice to your love making then what better way than to introduce some props. We are not talking about 12" dildos (unless you want to, that is) it can be something as small as a silk scarf or as daring as vibrators. Your man will need never be asked to make an effort again.

7. Watch a flick:
 Rent a romantic movie, order a take away, get out a bottle of your favorite wine, take the phone of the hook turn out the lights and snuggle into each other on the sofa in front of the TV. The romantic flick will soon have the two of you in the mood for love.

8. Love letters:
Leave him little notes in his pocket, on his pillow, next to his mother anywhere that he will find them that will give him a nice surprise.

9. Kiss him all over his body:
Slowly

10. 3 little words:
Tell him that you love him at least once a day. This will keep the love there even if you haven’t always got time to express it, those 3 little words is all that you need.

Sex: A Partnership Thing. How to talk to your partner about sex

Whether we are in a brand new relationship or have been married for forty years, when it comes to talking with our partners about sex, panic can often set in.

When we imagine the potential for rejection and drama, taking a risk like that with someone we love can often feel too great. This is probably the reason so few of us do try to share the really difficult stuff of our sexual lives. Here are ideas on raising those hard-to-raise issues.

1. Clarify the Issue for Yourself
Sex is complicated, your feelings may have as much to do with your own baggage and history as with your partner. If something is on your mind, sit with it for a while and clarify what doesn’t feel right. Some people find that writing a helpful way to do this; others will talk with close friends. The point of this is not to start complaining to others or placing blame. The exercise is all about you and how you feel.

2. Try to Write it Down
Don’t worry about floral language or grammar. Writing down what you want to talk about is a great step to clarify your issues for yourself and practice the way you might communicate it to your partner. Some people actually write their partner a letter, and end up giving it to them at a later point. Letter writing can be a powerful way to communicate your thoughts and feelings, and if done along with talking it can increase intimacy in a relationship in surprising ways.

3. Practice the Talk
This doesn't work for everyone, but if you’re nervous about talking it can help to do some practice talking. If you have a good friend you can do this with, great. If not, going through it on your own can help. Before every major “talk” I’ve ever had to do, I sit down in front of my computer screen and practice. If my monitor could talk, it would probably tell me to get a life, but it’s a great tool for me (and I’m pretty sure my monitor is too old a model to be talking).

4. Consider Your Timing
One of the most important considerations is when to talk. This will depend a lot on what you are talking about. If you want to raise the idea of trying something new in bed, then raising it just before you’re about to be intimate with your partner is probably not a good time. Ditto for raising your dissatisfaction with the frequency of your sex life minutes before your kids are due home (or your in-laws are coming over).

5. Choose Your Location
As with timing, location can make a difference. Bringing up sexual dissatisfactions in bed can be a bad move as it may create an association of negativity in your bed. Both you and your partner may also feel more vulnerable in bed than you would having the conversation fully clothed, out for a late-night walk.

6. Allow Time for Processing
Remember that your partner may be surprised by what you are saying. Give both of you the time and space to respond honestly without having to feel rushed or pressured. You may not be able to completely resolve the issue, or even talk about all the aspects of the issue in one sitting. Think about sexual communication as an ongoing process, not a one-shot deal.

7. Be Generous
No matter how hard it is for you to bring up your sexual concerns, if you are the only one raising them, consider that it may be even harder for your partner. If you can, try to be generous with your partner and try not to place the blame too heavily on either of you. There are two of you in the relationship, and ultimately both of you need to take responsibility for what is happening.

8. Check In Afterwards
Sometimes we can make ourselves so anxious about bringing something up with a partner, and then it goes not quite as bad as we thought, and we’re relieved, so we want to just move on. Give yourself permission to bring the topic up again. Don’t do it in a nagging way, but make it clear that your partner that you care about how they feel and you want to check in with them about how the conversation went.

Tips:

1. Keep in mind that every situation is different. These are general tips and your situation may call for many additional considerations.

2. Remember that your imagination can be your worst enemy when it comes to taking risks like this. The reality is that the response is almost never as bad as you think it will be, and talking openly about your sexual feelings, desires, likes and dislikes, can not only improve your sex life with your partner, it can improve other aspects of the relationship.

Any more tips on this:  mail or call me for more.

My Dating Advice For U and U Alone.

Remember that these dating tips are just that . . . tips. These are not global truths, and different people and different types of dates will always require different approaches. These ten dating tips & dating advice will get you started on the road to dating happiness.

1. Prepare yourself mentally for the dating game. If you really want to succeed ona a particular date, decide what type of person you are looking for, do your research on your own interests and goals, and be ready to commit to dating one individual if need be. Going into a date half cocked just won't work. This doesn't mean the first person you date has to be your future spouse -- but it means you should be ready for a monogamous relationship to arise. Remember that some people do date in order to find Mr. or Miss Right. Also prepare for some let downs along the way -- dating is nothing if not a series of excitements and disappointments, but remember not to take dating too seriously.
2. Prepare yourself physically for dating. Begin a new health regime if you will -- take a walk every day, get your cardio rate up, start a small diet. Looking your best can just be a matter of showing off that confident glow that comes from joining a gym, eating healthier, or getting a bit more fit. Though preparing yourself this way will not actually find you a date (though you may meet a date at the gym or at the health food store, etc), you will feel a million times more confident about yourself, and confidence is incredibly sexy.
3. Buy something new for yourself to get you in the right mindset. This may seem shallow, but even a new pair of shoes will give you a boost of confidence that will be simply palpable to your new date. Get your hair cut or styled and begin a new grooming routine. Have a beauty treatment or a massage. This is much like the above piece of advice, but has more to do with specifically treating yourself and raising your spirits. If you get yourself something nice, or treat yourself to a spa day, you can add another boost of confidence to your arsenal. Maybe its time to throw out those tired jeans and buy yourself a new designer pair -- who knows. It isn't the most important facet of a person, but people do appreciate appearance.
4. Figure out your goals for dating. Ask yourself some questions -- do you see yourself married in the next few years? If you do, then approach your date accordingly. Maybe you are more laid back about dating -- ask yourself some honest questions about why you are dating now, and what you hope to get out of it. If your goal is purely sexual, then ask yourself if you are willing to be honest about this desire with your potential future dates. It will come up at some point on the date -- that dreaded question -- "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Prepare an honest and realistic answer.
5. I can't stress this enough -- make yourself confident. Unlike the above confidence boosters, here I mean literally boost your confidence right before a date is about to happen. This may mean giving yourself a pep talk in the mirror, or just attending a few social functions in the days before your date. By following the first five tips you will feel better and be more focused, but by giving yourself a bit of a confidence boost before you walk out the door, you'll appear fresh and happy.
6. When looking for a date, choose a realistic person. Go after a person you have a good chance of dating success with -- this doesn't mean you should aim low, but do aim realistically. Your dating life is based on the entire package you present, not just your personality. If you are looking for a glamourous supermodel, and want to date someone trendy and gorgeous -- good for you, but be prepared and be realistic about your chances. If you're a 6, don't be surprised when a woman who is a 10 rejects you.
7. Scout out potential dates. Work out in advance where in your town you are most likely to meet people. You can start by joining clubs, social events, sports groups, book clubs, drama clubs, anything where you are likely to meet potential partners. Match the club to the kind of partners you are looking for. Remember that you'll never meet anyone just sitting on your couch.
8. Enjoy yourself. Dating isn't always a pursuit of a marriage -- it means meeting people and socializing with them and spending time in the company of new people. There is something to learn from everyone, and while you may not be out there looking for new friends, you may be surprised to find just that -- a new friend rather than a new love.
9. Don't forget to keep an air of mystery about yourself. People like mystery and the thrill of the chase during dating. This means do not give away too much information about yourself on your first few dates, and do not sleep with your dates early on if you want the relationship to progress. If you can stand it, keep the first sexual encounter teetering on the brink. The longer a date is left to chase and fall for you, the more likely they are to be really into you. You can take this too far -- if you 'snub' a potential date too much, they will have no choice but to forget about you and begin to move on. There's a thin line between mystery and outright ignoring a date.
10. Remember to take a break from dating if you need to. Take time off from dating occasionally, especially if its not going well or if your dates are causing "dating fatigue". Dating is a process, and there is nothing wrong with "recharging the batteries" so to speak -- this will reload that all important confidence and optimism level. The best way to casually date is to do so in phases.